Being You

Chapter 9

Ella ignored her phone all day. She'd had to take Jeremy's so that her mum wouldn't get suspicious, but that didn't mean she wanted to talk to anyone. Her own name had come up on the call screen too, and she sniffed at the thought of Jeremy worrying about her. It's his own fucking fault for ruining my life.

Finally the sun started to set and the wind picked up, leaving the park desolate and dull-looking in the twilight. Ella groaned, noticing her stomach growling, and heaved herself up off the ground with a significant amount of effort, looking around herself in a daze. "Is this world even real?" she asked herself in a whisper. She examined the unfamiliar lines on her palms, the rough fingernails, the dark hair on her arms.

She shook her head, trying to snap herself out of this sense of unreality. It didn't work; the trees lining the park seemed substantially bigger than usual, and the streetlights seemed particularly bright as they turned on. She swept forward, dreamlike, and it seemed as though only a few moments passed before she was back at her front doorstep, hesitating before putting her key into the worn silver lock.

Ella sighed and entered the house, feeling the walls tighten around her. She felt suffocated by this place she once called home. Even here, she couldn't relax for one minute for fear of her parents thinking something was wrong. And Jeremy... Well, she couldn't trust him with anything in her life, apparently. Frustration and anger bloomed up in her chest once again, and she barely kept it quelled.

"Jeremy?" her mum called from the kitchen.

Ella stopped by the doorway and managed a small smile in response, feeling no need to speak.

"Where were you all day?" her mum asked casually, gently, obviously sensing something was wrong.

Ella shrugged. "I felt like crap. Didn't want to go to school."

Her mum frowned. "Is someone bullying you, or are you finding the work hard, or...?"

Ella swallowed. This could be her chance to get someone to help Jeremy with those cowards that kept bothering him. But then, Ella felt like she could handle it. And would the teachers even believe that Jay was such a bad apple when he was so good at keeping up that good boy act? "No," she answered reluctantly. "I just felt like I needed a bit of time to myself."

"You know you can always tell me anything." Her mum spoke softly, meeting Ella's eyes keenly.

"I know, Mum."

"I love you very much," her mum said, pulling her in for a hug.

"I love you, too." Ella held on for a moment longer before pulling away. "I have to... do an assignment. Talk to you later, Mum."

She rushed upstairs, making her way to Jeremy's room. He was sitting at his desk, shuffling through his notes from school. "Hey," he said. "Mum was worried about you."

"I know," Ella said shortly, sitting on his bed.

Jeremy sighed then was silent for a moment. "I'm really sorry about earlier—"

"Don't be." Ella cut him off, grinding her teeth in frustration. "They probably would have left me eventually anyway," she admitted. "They're selfish and bitchy. You were right, I just liked the stability of having a bunch of people, even shitheads, around me, and I'm scared that if I ever go back to my own body then my life will be entirely different to before." She shrugged, unable to speak around the lump that had risen in her throat.

"C'mere," Jeremy said in a small voice. Ella felt herself being pulled into his arms and she sucked in a shuddering breath, trying not to cry. It finally hit her that the loneliness she felt each day at school in Jeremy's body could become a reality even if she became herself again. The tears came and she didn't even try to stop them anymore. She clutched at Jeremy's shirt desperately, unaccustomed to the waves of emotion coming over her. "Hey, shhh, it'll be alright," Jeremy's voice said in her ear. "I'm sure things will work out."

Ella didn't really believe him, but she hugged him back anyway. I'm not alone if I have Jer.

. . .

Ella's stomach was squirming the next morning when she woke. Jeremy tried to convince her to eat, but the mere sight of a cereal box was enough to make her gag. "I'll get something at school," she mumbled, rushing for the door. She breathed in the frigid autumn air greedily, crunching across the frosty lawn on the way to the bus stop.

Today marked another new beginning for her. It would be her first friend-free day back at school. Ella was dreading it more than she had dreaded anything else. Even coming out to her family and friends hadn't seemed this daunting.

At least I don't have English today, she reminded herself. With any luck, she might not even have to see anyone from the group that had ditched her. She repeated this to herself like a mantra all the way to school.

Ella slipped into Jeremy's ICT class early, seating herself at a computer. She'd made him draw up a diagram of where he sat in each class so she wouldn't start unnecessary conflict; she'd had far too much of it already during the last couple of weeks. She was struggling to keep up appearances in this class though — she didn't have the same knowledge of computers that Jeremy did. Looking at the assignment sheet, she realised she'd have to get him to finish it for her.

The sound of a desk chair's rolling wheels broke the calm of the silence. "Hey... Jeremy?"

Ella looked up, her deep concentration broken, and found herself facing a skinny boy with glasses. "Hi... You're Toby right? From my art class?"

"That's me. I heard about that fight the other day, but Ashad said you seemed okay. Hope you don't mind me bothering you, were you busy?"

"Nah, no probs. So you and Ashad are close?" Ella was mildly curious, but mostly she wanted an ally in this class. She didn't know anyone else.

Toby grinned. "Yeah, best friends since kindy. Have you met him?"

"No, he's in our art class too though, right?"

"Yeah. I'll introduce you next time."

"Sounds good." Ella smiled. She was relieved to have someone to talk to in this class. The majority of the class were boys, and most of them were people she didn't like because they were friends with Jay.

"How're you going with the assignment?" Toby asked, peering over at her screen. They'd been asked to make a flash animation, but her screen was blank.

Embarrassed, Ella ducked her head. "My brain hasn't turned on yet this morning. I knew should've gotten coffee."

Toby didn't laugh at her. "That's okay. Have you picked a topic yet?"

"Volcanoes," she responded. She'd tried to pick an easy topic she knew about.

Toby nodded. He slid over next to her and began pointing out what she should do. Ella breathed a sigh of relief. He didn't just look like a stereotypical nerd, he actually knew what he was doing as well. She'd been too scared to ask for help because she didn't want to make Jeremy look stupid, but Toby was taking her seriously. Maybe this day wouldn't be as long as she'd thought.