Reason To Fight

Chapter 1

The wind prickles on my fingers, being the cause of the goose bumps’ rise on the surface of my skin. If one couldn’t already tell, I’m more fascinated by the way the air blows rather than anything – or anyone – else. Or at least, that’s what I’m attempting to convince myself. I’m trying to distract myself with anything – or anyone – that isn’t one Lauren Jauregui.
 

Said girl is currently pouting her lips at Normani, who wouldn’t share her ice cream. “C’mon, Mani Bear, sharing is caring, right?” I hear her plead.

My heart swelled at that little pout of hers. “You can have mine,” I say, handing it to her. Her emerald eyes darted between my own eyes and the ice cream in my hand. “Camz offering her own food?” She mock-gasped at me, and I only rolled my eyes.

“This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, Laur. Take it or leave it.” I joke, and it brings a smile to her face. I’ve seen that smile plaster upon her face an outsized number of times but it still never fails to make my heart race – faster than it already does when I’m around her, or thinking of her, or watching her, or listening to her breathe, or… Fuck, Camila, just… Hey, look there’s a bird pecking at the bread on the floor. I tried to move my attention to anything I possibly could.

“Why, thank you, my love.” Lauren says with a teasingly posh manner, as she takes the ice cream cup in my hand, and gives me a kiss on the cheek. It was quick, gentle, soft… Yet the feeling of her lips on my skin lingered, even minutes after they’d left.

I had thought that us coming to L.A was going to help. I thought the more distractions; the less I’d think of Lauren.

I thought wrong.

I’m not positively sure on why I began to feel like this for her. To be honest, I’m still wondering myself. I find it insufferably hard for me to get attached to anyone. I’m completely closed off and I build walls surrounding me. It’s not easy for me to like someone romantically. No, not because I’m picky, but because I have a deathly fear of getting hurt that I didn’t realize I owned, and I guess it always got in the way. But if I ever did feel anything for anyone, it would easily be shut off. My mind is controlled with buttons and switches of what to feel and what not to feel. If something or someone hurts me too much, I instantly turn those feelings off and bam, they’re gone. It was simple, and it may be a bad trait, but it was easier for me to live this way.  It’s easier not to care. However, when it came to Lauren, my mind had no choice in the matter. My heart took over, and I learned my heart possessed the trait of stubbornness. Mind vs. heart right? Yeah, well, my heart shockingly won this time. You know those buttons in my mind I was talking about? Those buttons are now in the control of Lauren Jauregui. She controls my every emotion. The remote is right in the palm of her hands; it has ever since we first spoke in boot camp, and she doesn’t even know it.

Yet.

When was I supposed to tell her? Was I supposed to tell her at all? I’ve had this mental battle with myself several times. I continuously convince myself I’d stop feeling this way for her once I’m patient enough to wait for these feelings to leave, but they never do. Sometimes I think they do, until Lauren walks in and runs a hand in her hair, or scrunches up her nose when she’s concentrating on something, or even when she’s simply doing nothing. I love watching her. But I hate loving it. I hate loving her. But I do, and there’s nothing I can do about it anymore. I’ve already tried everything. I’ve tried pushing her away; pulling back at every touch, because every touch is magic. I’ve tried forcing myself to take in her flaws, hoping it’d make it all stop, but little did I know; I didn’t care. I don’t care if she’s feisty or gets mad easily. I will keep up with it. I don’t care if she could get selfish. I don’t blame her. I will keep up with all her flaws, because, although they’re flaws, I love them. I love every part of her. Her good qualities out due her flaws anyway. If I were to count those qualities, though, I’d go on forever.