Reason To Fight

Chapter 4

I was uncertain as to how I should feel. It was official; Lauren knew how I felt for her. I couldn’t tell whether I was angry with Ally for telling her or glad she did.

I didn’t cause a scene. I didn’t say a word. I respectfully left the room, and entered my own without one single word. What I needed was to clear my head, and clear my head is exactly what I did.

Lauren is straightforward. She always was. I’ve said this before; Lauren doesn’t play any games. If she found out I had feelings for her and didn’t say anything, it meant she didn’t feel the same way. It was unfortunate, but I it was what I was already expecting throughout the months I’ve felt this way for her. Yeah, maybe I was given false hope at last minute, but generally, this was expected. So why was she flirting, you ask?

As much as I love Lauren, I know her. She was flirting because she liked the attention. She liked my reactions. It flattered her, and Lauren would do anything to feel flattered.

But… but somehow, I think my plan worked. I didn’t feel like Lauren’s side was the most place I wanted to be. I didn’t feel like I missed her touch. I didn’t feel like I needed her – at least, not more than a friend, I didn’t.

I felt empty.

However, it may be because she finally knows, and the weight had been dropped off my shoulders… or, it was the fact she was all over me when she knew how it made me feel – like I was a toy – and maybe that turned me off.

Either way, I felt like the way it usually does when I easily click the ‘off’ button on my feelings; the way it used to be so easy, and Lauren was the only one who defeated it. But now, I guess my feelings finally gave up. And that’s all that matters. It’s all I’ve wanted. Other than Lauren herself, of course.

I know it seems so fast now, but this is how it always used to be before Lauren came along. If I didn’t think I should feel a certain way for someone; I’d erase those feelings in a blink of a second, and bam, I wouldn’t care if I never saw them for the rest of my life.

But maybe Lauren just took a little longer; and by a little longer I mean instead of 2 seconds, it took several months. So no, this isn’t so fast. It has been torture. It has been the most uncomfortable, hurtful, traumatizing crush I’ve ever had to experience. It was something I wasn’t used to, and it was overwhelming.

I felt empty, but free.

It’s funny, really. How love can just disappear, vanish without one single warning. But then again, maybe that meant it never really was love.

I chuckled to myself at that thought. Lauren Jauregui made one Camila Cabello, the girl who doesn’t care, care… She made the girl who doesn’t feel, feel… and I expected myself to think it wasn’t love? Impossible.

But it was finally gone, and that’s all that matters now.

I ran my hand through my hair, and slipped my body in between the silk sheets of my bed, sinking into the mattress.

And for once, thoughts about Lauren weren’t going to keep me up tonight.

—

Today was another free day. I turned to my left and saw it was late in the afternoon. I smiled to myself. I missed feeling this way; like I didn’t care. I’m glad Ally told her. I’m glad it’s finally off my chest.

If I see Lauren, I’ll be perfectly normal. After all, I don’t like her anymore, right? If I don’t like her anymore, it shouldn’t be a problem to act the same way I always have with her, because we’re friends, and just because I don’t like her romantically, doesn’t mean I don’t love her. She’s my best friend, and she always was, even if feelings did come in the middle of it.