Stars Leave Black Holes Behind [HS]

7

The days dragged and looped in Valerie's world. Some days were heavy, seemed to be never-ending, and sort of spiraled downwards as each second ticked by; while others were just over quickly, painlessly, like she was awake and then asleep in less time than she could count.

And today had been a bit like that; a bit like she was numb. She was there with her blue eyes and her pale hands, driving home for Christmas, but Valerie was actually so not there at all. She could hardly even call it awake as she stared unseeing through the front window.

The feeling reminded her of when her father died: this half-asleepness, half-awakeness. It was the feeling of being there, but not really. The feeling of not being able to see your own body when you look down. It was the numbness. The pain.

And that had been a death. That was her father.

And so Valerie could not understand how it came to be that she again felt this burning, crippling emptiness inside her that she'd felt so long ago. Could not understand how she was watching her hands tighten on the steering wheel, knuckles turning white, and yet she couldn't feel a thing underneath her grip. She just could not understand why she was still so broken like this.

And Valerie sighed. Shook her head as she watched the trees and the cars pass her by as she drove back home. Not to Harry, obviously. But that isolated little village where she'd grown up with her mum and her dad and her sister and her brother.

It was a drive, but it was as if it had been over in half an hour, and she was suddenly parked on the drive and being hauled into familiar arms and being surrounded with familiar smells and being spoken to with familiar voices.

And it was dinner now; her mum was talking to her younger sister Delilah about A Levels, and her older brother Louis was laughing loudly with their step-dad.

"You know Val," Valerie turned to her mother who was looking at her with eyebrows drawn low, "We haven't seen your Harry in a while."

Valerie's entire face slackened and her heart stung. Your Harry, her mother had said. Your fucking Harry. She resisted the urge to scratch her eyeballs out, and instead lowered her fork and smiled weakly at her mum.

"Yeah, he's busy."

And he probably was, probably had a new girlfriend and new friends and a new life far, far away from her.

"You know, I think we last saw him at Christmas last year, how funny," her mother smiled and took a sip of her wine, "You must ask him if he can make it down, even if it's just for the day."

Valerie smiled but her heart felt like it was being flattened into her stomach.

"Yeah."

"Wonderful," her mother clapped and Valerie flinched.

The attention was then finally off her after that, and she relaxed back into her seat, her appetite gone and the torturous memories of them here last year plaguing her thoughts.

It had been a great holiday. They'd gotten drunk on whiskey by the fireplace almost every evening, and had played cards with Louis until the early hours of the morning. Val had loved it. Harry had too.

And then they'd gone back to uni. And the day after they'd come back, Harry left. Without explanation. Just an apology. Just the facts that he was leaving. Going. Disappearing.

Valerie didn't like Christmas that much anymore.

__

Song: Love is a Laserquest by Alex Turner

"Now I can't think of there without thinking of you."