Relaunch

First choice

Last two days I didn't go to dinner at Marcia's, trying to assemble the puzzle. I have the feeling of being searching only for the missing pieces and I can't place what I do have in the right position. Amanda told me she worked for New Life but, what was she doing working at Marcia's? It has no sense at all. Why my therapist told me I shouldn't worry about and scheduled for next week? And about my weird nightmares, they were as real as no one dream I have ever had, but they were also confusing. What do they mean? Of course they belong to my removed past, but I couldn't guess if they were any fictional representation or I played one of these roles by myself being a murderer and a rapist. The fact is that, if something like this happened, they wouldn't accept to relaunch me and remove all these memories. It must be something absolutely legal unless they made any kind of mistake about myself.

My daily routines, except the lunch at Marcia, felt to me like I was acting by impulse. I decided to visit Amanda at Marcia's and lunch as I used to. I found it had no sense to avoid seeing her, so after my shower after running went to my portion of cherry pie and coffee. Amanda, as I expected, she was waiting for me to come in.

- So long, Alan. Nice to see you back at Marcia's. Cherry pie and coffee?

- Yeah, so, what's next?

- Up to you.

- I had another dream, Amanda. It was even worst that the other.

- With the same girl?

- No, it was in a forest, with a man I have never seen before.

- A murder?

- How do you know, Amanda?

- You know, I know your past. I can only give you certain details about it. You should know that everything is just ok now. Nothing from your past can harm you or hurt you. You are experiencing ghost emotions from memories that no longer exist.

- Amanda, tell me about my daughter. – I claimed – I know all about the procedure, the secondary effects, everything. Just tell me what I need to know.

- It's difficult to answer "what you need to know". Tell me, Alan, what is what you need to know?

- Tell me about my daughter.

- What do you need to know about your daughter?

- Tell me if I did anything to her. Just tell me if I caused any suffering and I will accept being relaunched. Just need to know my conscience is in peace.

- Alan, you never harmed your daughter. You loved her so much. You were a good father, you cared about her, and you had nothing to see with what happened to her. Your conscience was in peace before doing the relaunch to yourself. You just had to take all this suffer away.

- I see, Amanda. My daughter was raped, I probably killed the rapist. Did she died? And what about her mother? Did she care of her?

- Alan, you are now entering in a point of no return with your memories. If your daughter was dead, that memory would be so devastating for you. If your daughter lived you would probably regret all the years you were without her. If is still alive, would you be able to live with all the decades you lost of her live? Please, think that time can't be rewind.

The feeling came to me like an electric shock. I could feel it in my skin, in my blood. If my daughter was still alive I would do anything to be with her. Yes, I want.

- Yes, I am sure. If she is alive I need to know.

She looked at me with a smile on her face, but her next words bought this pain in my chest again.

- And what if she doesn't want to see you again for what you did? What if you can't be with her because she also relaunched to live without these memories?

- Did it happened?

I looked at her. Speechless. She looked at me sadly.

- Alan, you know how it works. At this point you have to make a choice. You can just leave as it is and try to live your life the best you can, of you can read your clinical history. It was always your choice and you could have done it anytime. My only advice is that when you had all the information, you decided that making a relaunch was the best choice for you. All other existing parts involved also agreed. That's all I can say.

- I need to know, Amanda.

- Ok, I will ask for an appointment with Magnus Thornhope.

Amanda left. She texted something at her phone and looked at me with the face lovers have when they say good bye in the airport and they will never see each other again.