Pulse

11

{a/n: I feel like this chapter is looooong. but ya enjoy! vote////comment pleasssse///and share if ya want to. merry christmas or whatever you believe in have a nice day.

you deserve to be happy ilysm.}

DAKOTAS POV

I don't know where I'm going or even where I am. I should just go back to Zayn....but I can't do that.

When I first left him at Jenna's Grandparents, Leigh told me: "You can't keep running. This is what you want, this is it. You have to let him see you, and there's no way he could do that if you keep running away from him."

But I have to! I tried, I showed him things I've never showed anyone. I held back my fears and talked to him, even kissed him, slept (not really) with him! But it's fake....the way I talked to him and the way I kissed him were things I wanted from him. I wanted him but I'm not doing them the right way...what is the right way?

I just want him, why is that so complicated? Why can't I just be happy and life loving kind of person, like Leigh and Jenna? Why am I so sad and why do I like him so much? Why can't he just save me and make me happy? Why does he have to kiss me and one day hurt me?

But he hasn't hurt you.

Yeah but one day he will, I'm so sensitive. And crazy, I want to blame the vodka and mix of cigarettes but something tells me, even sober my thoughts would be the same.

I have a lot of people to blame, it's not my fault. I have never seen love up close, only pain and hurt. So how do I know how to love someone if I don't even know what love is.

I'm not saying I love zayn, but I like being around him. His laugh is comforting and his kisses are soft. He talks so gently. His creative and quiet. Almost hurts even more I can't be as a perfect fit for him as he makes me feel. All I do is make him sad.

I laugh when I stumble on a rock and someone catches me before I fall.

I scream but the person covers my mouth, but to the persons touch I know who it is and try to stand up.

"Niall?" I say. He nods and lets go of my waist and turns around to face me. "What the fuck! I thought someone was going to kill me! You scared the shit out of me" I hit his arm.

He smiles but it fades quickly, "I was on my porch when you walked by. What are you doing here?"

I run my hands through my hair and hug Niall. It surprises him but he embraces me. "I was at Zayns." I say pulling away.

"You decided to go on a walk at midnight and he let you?" He asks.

"Well I don't want to go back." I ignore his question.

"Want a ride home or crash at mine?" With no follow up questions or emotion in his eyes. His a blank canvas.

"I haven't been home all day. Are you sure you want to drive me? I'll call my brother that's okay too." I can almost hear my voice and it definitely doesn't sound the same as I actually mean it to sound like but who cares.

"Uh. I can drive ya, no problem." He shrugs and nods up the street, "My house is right there."

We walk a little and then into Nialls driveway.

"You and Zayn live clooooose huh." I slur. And he nods and laughs, "You should take a nap." I hold my finger in the air to as if pause him from speaking. "Niall why aren't you somewhere partying or getting it in with some girl? Your completely sober while on break? What happened?" I fake tease.

He looks at me and starts his car then backs out of his driveway. "You happened." I stop laughing and look at him with gazed eyes. He lights a cigarette and we both stay silent. My head hurts and maybe a nap won't hurt.

~~~~~~

"Thank you." I say to Niall and lean over and kiss him on the cheek. "And I'm sorry." I say and open the door and leave. I take off my shoes and let the cold ground run against my bare feet. Niall waits to leave until I walk into the house. It's dark and I assume everyone's asleep.

"Care to tell me where you've been?" My moms voice surprises behind me. I jump and almost hit something I can't see anything. "Shit!" I semi-quietly say.

I stand up and collected myself. "I was going to sleepover at a friends. I left you a note." That's a lie but it's good. "But something happened so I came home. I'm tired."

My mom with heavy eyes, wearing a white robe she's had for years, comes towards me and run her hands down my hair.

"I worry about you sometimes." She says and pass me to go upstairs. Mid way she says, "might want to take some Advil for the hangover you'll have tomorrow morning."

She surprises me with the knowledge and I know she'll pretend to care in the morning but she won't do anything about it. But if Jake were to find me coming home 1 in the morning, drunk. It'd be a different story. But I don't care about him and his not my dad.

~~~

I stay in my room with the door locked and watch netflix on for two whole days.

Unless my food is here or I need to go to the bathroom; I stay in my bed.

Expect today as I'm actually dressed.

Dalton hasn't been home all break and school is tomorrow. His with Louis so I don't worry, I told Louis to keep an eye on him. There at some party house somewhere.

Jenna has been with her family and Harry in the states and has been sending me pictures that I have yet to reply to (probably won't), Niall is MIA, Jaeden is probably on her way over with Leigh (lately they are always together) And as for Zayn, I have no clue.

Leigh texts me and tells me shes here and I finish putting on my boots.

I run downstairs and kiss my moms forward bye and go towards Leigh's black car.

Leigh and Jaeden (as I expected) are waiting outside the car and hugs me before we get into Leighs car.

"So what have you been doing all break besides fucking Zayn?" Jaeden playfully teases. "I actually didn't hang out with him too much." Leigh scrunched her nose at that as she drives. "And why is that?"

"Uh." J reaches for my shoulder and says it's okay and changes the subject. "Leigh and I, basically swam all weekend and stayed at my parents cabin." I look between Leigh and J, "Do you too have a thing?" I smile.

Leigh shakes her head hard, "No! Ha we just hung out." She says. J doesn't say anything and that's enough as a confirmation for me. I smile.

Leigh is blond and same height as J, J wears whatever she wants and so does Leigh. But J is more of a statement dresser, with red hair, as Leigh kind just takes it easy. They make a good couple. I really hope they are together because they look cute together.

Jenna and Harry. And now Leigh and J. Why is everyone happier than me?

My curious eyes, see a little baggie on the floor with white powder.

"Can I have some?" I asks shaking the little baggie. "Yeah have the whole thing were going to get some more at the party tonight." J says.

I dip my finger into the bag and rub it along my gums and hand it J who takes a lot more than I and hands some to Leigh, who takes a little to feel the least bit of high.

I feel pretty good.

It's still too early till the party starts so we decided to eat somewhere before getting shit faced on a empty stomach.

We decided to go to Taco Bell and order a lot of soft shells with a lot of hot sauce. Then we go to Mcdonalds and scarf down three Big Macs each and fries.

We then go to J's house who's parents are barley ever home and sleep until 3 am.