Wheat Golden Love

Chapter 9

It's late when I pull up outside Lincoln's apartment building. I take a deep breath and slowly get out of my car. I pull the hoodie I'm wearing down around my fingers and wrap my arms around my body. I take the two flights of stairs up noting every step I take. I'm nervous exactly, but I'm insure what I feel. I know what this talk will be about. I just don't know what I want to come of it. I should've known what I wanted before I got here. Do I really want to be with Lincoln? I thought I did a few weeks ago. So what changed?

Forest. Forest has changed what I wanted. It was silly to be stuck on some guy who wasn't even around. It was one date. One kiss. Then he up and leaves to go back home to his girlfriend and baby? What is wrong with me? Lincoln should be perfect. Lincoln was perfect. He still is.

I knock twice on the door. He must have been waiting for me because he was at the door before a third knock. We just stare at each other a moment before he steps away from the entrance letting me come in. There is a tension in the air. He seems nervous. It makes me nervous. Why am I suddenly nervous? I don't have a reason to be nervous. My thoughts are flying through my head. I'm beginning not to trust what I'm about to do. I feel my mind betraying my heart, but I don't know if I can stop it. Sam was right. I'm not good at being irrational when I need to be, and I'm certainly not good at being rational.

I stand in the middle of the living room facing Lincoln who stares back at me. He slowly begins to come towards me. As he gets closer I realize what he is about to do. I don't want this. Or do I? It doesn't matter because my feet are stuck. I can't go anywhere. I can't stop what he is about to do. I can't speak. My mind is rambling and my brain isn't signaling anything to the rest of my body.

His touch stiffens my body. It's my only response. His fingers barely skim my jawline before wrapping his hand around my cheek. All I can do is look up at him. Speak. I keep repeating to myself. I am having this inner war. I thought we were gonna talk. The look in his eyes is scary. Not a bad scary, but a love scary. Why is there love in his eyes? "Oh my god." Wait! Did I actually speak? I touch my lips, my mouth dry, like I needed proof that I said that out loud.

His hand drops and his eyebrows come together in confusion. My words are the only words that break the silence since I knocked on the door. He licks his lips. "What is it?" My words were spoken in realization to what he had brought me over here for.

"Pearl." He speaks softly grabbing my hand and rubbing it between his fingers. Here it was. I knew what was coming. I needed to stop him. Why was my tongue betraying me now? Why couldn't I stop his next words? "I love you."

I hadn't realized I had stopped breathing at the sound of his words until I began to feel light headed. "Pearl? Are you okay?" All I could do was shake my head up and down. Was I okay? How did I feel about his admission? Do I love him back? Maybe. I might have a few weeks ago.

"Say something. Please." I finally let out the breath I was holding. I search his face trying to give me an answer on how to respond. Before I can get a word out his lips are on mine. For a minute I don't reciprocate the kiss, but then my brain signals me to move my lips with his. Really? Now it works. I can't stop myself. My body is getting lost, but my mind and my heart are having a war.

I lose. I lose every ounce of fight I had in me to stop whatever was happening. I wake up to grab my phone to see what time it is. 2 AM. Shit. I roll onto my back and throw my legs over the side of the bed searching the room for my joggers.

Lincoln starts to rustle around. His voice groggy from sleep, "Hey, babe! Where ya going?" Babe. Why is he calling me that? He's never called me that. That was our rule. No pet names. Why would he be breaking our rules?

Shit.

My mind starts to fast forward through a replay of our night.

His hands were on my hips underneath my sweatshirt. His lips were at the spot between my pulse and ear. His mouth left my skin and moved to whisper something in my ear. "I love you, Pearl. I've always loved you." And there it was again. My traitorous brain signaling my body to do things my heart wasn't sure of. "I love you, too!"

I slap the bed in anger. "Damn it!" I growl out through my teeth with everything that had been said coming back to me. Lincoln touches the small of my back. "What is it? What's wrong?" Concern fills his voice.

"Nothing. I can't find my pants." I lie. They were by his hamper. It's dark, but I had spotted them moments earlier.

"Let me get a light on." He reaches up to click the lamp on. He sits up in bed against the wall with a serious look on his face. "Can we talk?" Now he wanted to talk? Now? He's professed his love to me and seduced me into doing the same. Now what? Or do I want to know.

Grabbing my hand and tugging me towards him he looks down before speaking. "I want to be with you, Pearl. I know I'm late on this, but please give us a chance." I could see it in his eyes. I couldn't tell if I was going to vomit or if I had butterflies. I didn't say anything. What could I say? What did I want to say? Disappointment floods his eyes and he pulls his hand back from mine. "I'm too late."

Those three words melt me. I couldn't help but feel something with those words. It's usually his previous three words that melt a girl, but leave it to me to feel something now. Those words broke my heart. I reach out to grab his hand and he looks up at me expectantly. "No. You're not." With those words he searches my face wanting to be sure of what he's just heard. Hell. I wasn't sure of what I just heard.

A smile began to play on his lips. He grabs me around the waist so fast I yelp. He's on top of me so quick my head gets dizzy. And then I forget where my pants are or anything else for that matter.

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"So, you're together? Like together together?" Sam asks in shock.

"I guess." I shrug a single shoulder.

"What do you mean "you guess"? He loves you, you love him. What's to guess?" She says it like it's that easy.

I shake my head. "But I don't know."

She scoffs. "What don't you know?"

I stop walking to face her. We are walking to the cafeteria after a day of classes. I had finals coming up, and I couldn't even focus on the material. I had stayed the whole night at Lincoln's leaving early this morning to shower before class. I had spent all morning replaying last night. I wasn't excited like I should've been after what should have been a perfect night. A girl's dream. A guy professing his love. That should've given me an overwhelming excitement, right? Then why did I feel nothing?

Letting out a deep sigh, "I don't know if I love him."

Confusion spreads across her face. "What do you mean? You told him you did. You can't just throw that kind of stuff out there when you want a good lay." It came out more harsh than I think she intended, clearly disgusted with what she thought I meant.

"It's not like that. I tried to stop him. Stop myself. But I couldn't. My body just did its own thing. I said stuff I wasn't trying to say. It just all happened so fast. We were just suppose to talk." I drop my shoulders in defeat.

"Well. You did a hell of a lot more than talk." She begins walking again.

"No kidding. Now what am I gonna do?"

"Either you can go with it and see where it goes, possibly hurting one of you in the end or you can tell him how you really feel?" Sam declares strongly.

But I don't know how I feel. And before I could even think my feelings through, out of nowhere Lincoln twirls me around pulling me tightly to his body. It does feel good to be this close to him. He smells good. I feel safe and warm. But was that enough? Could I be with Lincoln?