Wheat Golden Love

Chapter 10

It had been two weeks since Lincoln declared his love for me. That's two weeks of having a boyfriend. I still wasn't sure about all this relationship stuff yet. I mean, things have been really good. I'm just also really good at psyching myself out. Tuesday Lincoln took me on our first official date. I have to admit, if this is what it's like to be his girlfriend, it's pretty incredible, and I'm a bit surprised.

He took me over to Gulf Shores where we had dinner at his romantic little place on the ocean. After we ate he guides us down the steps towards the beach to sit under the stars while soaking our feet at the edge of the water.

Conversation is easy. We've known each other a good while that there's not much we don't know about one another. He asks me what I plan to do after graduation. "Is it bad that I don't know?"

"I don't suppose. Do you have any idea what you might want to do or where you see yourself?"

"I don't think I've given it much thought, honestly." I bring my knees up to my chest and look over at Lincoln. "I feel like I'm doing pretty good just to get through this semester." He laughs.

"If you would spend more time studying, that might not be an issue." He chuckles. It's no secret that I don't study. "I mean.." He pauses and takes a deep breath then turns to look at me. "Do you see yourself married with kids anytime after graduation?"

I snigger without meaning to. I'm taken back by his question. I just don't think that far ahead. I use to. I use to dream of the day a man got down on one knee to ask me to marry him, but after my last serious boyfriend and the wreckage that caused me I have more less crossed that notion off my list of must haves.

"Umm.." I stretch my legs back out in front of me playing with the sand in between my legs. I suddenly feel fidgety and anxious. "Maybe.. one day. I suppose I'm more focused on actually graduating than what comes after." I look back up at Lincoln and know by the look on his face that's not the answer he wanted.

I speculate he wants it all. The American Dream. The wife. The kids. The college degree. The house. The dog, and the little white picket fence. Probably the damn mini van, too.

I'm not a dreamer. I'm not goal oriented. I don't have an aesthetic.  I don't even have a Pinterest. There's no Dream Wedding board or Future Home board I've stayed up late working on like "normal" girls. Who's gonna pay for a wedding anyway? I don't come from money. Lincoln does. He doesn't think twice about where money comes from.

I'll be lucky if I don't end up in a trailer park with a live-in boyfriend—because I'm afraid of commitment—who brings home a new twenty-four pack of BudLight every night after his job at the mechanic shop. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Might just end up like my mama after all.

"Okay." He grins knowing he's not getting anymore from me. "I should've known better. Pearl Miller lives only from sun up to sun up." We both laugh knowing that's the gosh damn truth.

He stands up and reaches out a hand to me. I grab it for him to pull me up to where he's standing. He wraps an arm around my waist pulling me close. I close my hand around the nape of his neck and kiss him softly. I want to want this. I want to want him the way he wants me. I know deep down I'm being selfish drawing this out. I know the inevitable. And he does, too. Deep down he knows. We both do.

Maybe I'm just incapable of loving anyone the way a woman is supposed to. I'm just so screwed up in the head and the heart and incapable of commitment.

Lincoln pulls onto campus and I have him drop me off in the parking lot beside my dorm building. "Are you sure? I can drive you up to the front of the building."