Journeys of the Heart

Why don't you love yourself?

Open Letter to Me

November 5, 2016

Hey. How are you? That's a stupid question to ask since I'm basically talking to myself. So let's just get straight into it shall we?

I know you're tired. Mentally and emotionally drained. You've been through so much, others can't even imagine how much you have suffered. I'm not talking about the amount of money you have or that time you had to walk home alone at 8 PM because you missed the last bus ride. It's not just about your tragic love life either or the fact that you have a failed friendship. It's all of these situations combined that made me... YOU write this very letter to yourself. And having a way to express it makes all the different because one day, you will reopen this letter and remind yourself that you were.. you ARE strong enough to get through completely shitty days. You are strong enough to walk on your own two feet without dragging anyone or be dragged down by anyone. So, what have you been through?

Your relationships have caused you to become an emotional wreck. Ever since the time you broke up with your first boyfriend up till now, you've always been 'the friend' and never 'the one'. You thought that it would be easy to get back on your feet and catch another fish after you're first break up, not to mention that you initiated the break up yourself. It never occurred to you until your last days in high school that you weren't as good as you thought you were. You weren't one of those girls who could pick any guy they wanted from a stash; in fact, you were the complete opposite of those girls. You were just a friend. Another issue was, it never occurred to you that it would be this hard to talk to guys in the first place. As someone who always thought guys were easy to talk to, you always thought that being the first to initiate conversation was the way to go, and it always worked for you, hadn't it? Apparently, that isn't the way to do it now. 

Back to the present, which is much like the past, but it slapped you in the face much faster. You are always a second choice against your much pretty, smarter, more likeable best friend. Sometimes you aren't even a choice but a back up prop that people never seem to notice; you don't move and is certainly not used in any way, shape, or form. It isn't hard to accidentally step on you say sorry to the air and move on like you aren't even human. Friends of friends say hi to you because you're just there or they just happen to notice your presences and it would be rude to walk away without saying hello. But when it comes to attracting someone to be more than a friend, you're out of the picture right away. You're never the topic when guys talk about 'who's the cutest girl in the faculty' or even 'who do you think is cute'. You slip their minds like you don't even exist because there's so many people better than you. One moment you think you've finally found the person that you want to talk to and develop something with; the next moment you find out that they already have someone on their mind or they're just not as interested in you as you thought they were.

Now to your current crush. Is he worth it? You don't know and you never will because you're too afraid, which is right because he is known to be liking someone else at the moment. You're not even on his mind or in his eyes. He would never see you as more of a friend, or even worse, a friend of a friend. Just a friend in the same friend group. It's something that you have to face on your own and other people probably won't understand because if you tell them, they'll make fun of you or tell you what you are already telling yourself: Give up. He's just another guy that you will meet and let go. You're hurting yourself more than you need to. You need to let go. And also, forget love for a while. Forget what it is. Forget having a boyfriend. Forget the feeling that comes along with having someone to talk to more than a friend and less than a lover. Forget everything for a while and just be alone. Be happy being alone. Be happy being with such amazing friends. Put on a smile even if you're faking it because some day, it will become real and you won't even know why but you just will smile. It might sound crazy but if you're reading this when you are already successful being happy alone, it means you've found true happiness in yourself. You've already succeeded. 

Who cares if people have a crush on your friend and not you? Who cares if people like your friend better than you? Who cares what people care about? Just, who the fuck gives a shit about all of this and what other people think about? YOU DO YOU. YOU be yourself and some day, that person you've been waiting for will show up right in front of you. You just have to be patient. Don't waste time wishing and wondering when you don't even know what you want. Just don't. 

My girl, love yourself. Love yourself more than any other person you have ever loved. Take a hike on a mountain. Watch the sunset by yourself. Watch a romantic movie alone in the cinema. Sit at a coffee shop alone and just do your thing. Find love in yourself that no one else will ever understand. 

And if you've already done that by the time you read this, I'm so proud of you. 

I'm proud of how much you have grown after all this time. 

Keep your chin up. Stand tall. And never fail to open yourself up to opportunities... even if you have to close some other doors on the way out.

Remember that: I love you.