Journeys of the Heart

#2 Diary of the Broken

"Time. Something so limited, so precious, and yet so easily wasted."

Just when I thought life was getting better, the door decieded to shut on me. Again. I knew it was coming. But I wanted to believe that an opportunity would be open. Hell, I was damn wrong.
There wasn't any chance in the first place. Nor was there a warning sign to what would be the consequence of my actions. A temporary heartbreak is what I call it. Just a passing interest. A passing feeling. A passing happiness. That's what happens during breaks. Whether it would be spring break. Winter break. Summer break. Everything is temporary.

Dear Diary....

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't selfish. If I said I did it only out of the goodness of my heart. Well. It isn't all lies. Just not the whole truth. It wasn't how it all began. Or why it continued. To be honest, it was far from how it all began. I never intended it to end up this way. Never.

His smile. His personality. His eyes. None of those drew me closer to him. Or him closer to my heart. It was time. Time allowed it all to fall. Fall in the wrong places, that is. I can't pinpoint exactly where it all fell apart, or when I started to develop feelings. All I know is, it was close. So close. Maybe it crossed over "just friends" at one point. But I swear to you, it won't happen again. I hope.

3 weeks. That's all it took. 3 weeks and a few days was enough for me to realize that something wasn't right. It made me question many things. Was it real? Will it last? And most importantly, could it ever be more than that? The "it" I'm talking about is friendship. My friendship. With a certain boy.

We talked. Simple as that. We were both trying to forget someone. And winter break gave us the time to let it all go, before facing reality again in January. At the time, he was hiking on a mountain. Up and up he journeyed. And the farther away he went from her, the less he thought about her. That was his purpose. At least, at the time it was. I was left roaming alone in the busy city. Traveling back and forth. Back and forth. From class to back home. It was a tedious routine that I eventually got bored of after the third or fourth day. But what never became boring to me was this new routine I found. Chatting with him became a routine. Though it was strange because we never really talked face to face, it gave me some comfort. That someone was here to talk to me, even though that someone wasn't physically with me.

It could've been the loneliness that caused me to go slightly deranged - but not hallucinate, hopefully. I felt like we did connect. At some point between our pointless conversations, I decided that I did trust him. And he trusted me. It was a friendship beginning to bloom from nothing. The conversations we had made me smile. They made me laugh. He shared his journey with me while he was on it. As if I was on the mountain with him. Even though he was there with a group of friends, he still managed time to reply to me. Sent me pictures of the sunrise and sunsets that I love so dearly, and the views that I'd like to see firsthand some day. I asked him to show me the pictures when he came back. I guess he forgot.

We were similar, maybe a bit too similar at some parts. I thought it was normal, to find someone with similar thoughts and similar interests. It's just a coincidence. Wasn't it? Still, no matter how many similarities you have with a person, it doesn't guarantee the longevity of any friendship.... especially one that started online.

That's where the derangeness sets in. And also stupidity. One of the things I'm not supposed to do is: never go out alone with a boy. And guess what, I went anyway. Because of him. And because of my curiosity. I was curious. Was this friendship even real? Would it even last? Apparently, one hangout was supposed to answer those two questions. And honestly, it did. For a short period of time. I was satisfied with whatever friendship we had. But it doesn't end there.

School restarts. Everything is back to the way it was before. We stop talking, though not completely. He goes back to her. It's not that he completely ignores me because honestly, he can't. The girl he was trying so hard to forget, is one of my own best friends.

It's silly when you think about it. You spend the whole break trying to forget a person. And the second you see her, it all collapses. You relapse. And you're back to trying to get her. What's even sillier was I was trying to help him get my best friend. Without any real reason.

It was fun while it lasted. Just a passing time. Just a distraction. Just another distant memory. The good thing is that I forgot the guy I was trying to forget. But the bad thing is my feelings were shifting towards someone who was completely off limits. It shifted to him. That's when it all collapsed for me. All that time spent on chatting, I never questioned whether it could be more or not. Even after my feelings shifted, I still knew it would never happen. I never had hope. His heart belonged to someone else already.

I wanted it to stay that way. But then again, if he never asked and I never told him what was developing, my feelings would've skyrocketed to God knows where. He stopped me. And saved me from myself. I could at least give him credit for that. But now I have to deal with the awkwardness. Something that I was trying to avoid this whole time. Sadly, feelings can't be tamed. But I do feel sorry that it happened. It ruined everything.

Now I question whether it was even a good idea to talk to him in the first place. I shouldn't have been the person he was sharing pictures to. I shouldn't have continued the conversation. I shouldn't have been the person to help him with my best friend. I shouldn't have gone on the hang out. I shouldn't have grown attached. I shouldn't have developed any feelings. I shouldn't have.... I just shouldn't have done anything. Because all stories ends with the main girl getting the guy, and the friend of the main girl alone and being happy for her. Happy and alone.

And maybe, there was nothing to ruin in the first place. I'm not sure how valuable it was, but it can be easily given up for her. Just for her.

Everything just revolves around her doesn't it? She's perfect. Academically, physically, socially. Okay, I wouldn't go overboard with the word "perfect" but any girl would be jealous of her. Anyone would want to be her friend. And any guy would be lucky to have her. She's smart. She's talented. She's pretty. She's friendly and talkative. And honestly... I feel like I don't deserve a friend like her.... not when I'm constantly feeilng jealousy of her. But I can't just pick up and leave. That's not how a good friend should act like. 

I can't help him anymore, not when I can't even help myself. It's not like he needs my help anymore. He's fine on his own. Just fine.

I want to run away. To the top of that mountain he went to.  To the top of the mountain we went to. We were both weird, strange, indeceisive people. We were trying to find ourselves. We were wanderers. But not all wanderers are lost. He found a place that he decided that he would stay. So now I'm left own, still wandering, still trying to find a place to stop and rest.

~ End of Diary entry ~