Dear Secrets, Please Fly Quietly

4) What I Do Best

Theft is like a good painting; it requires patience, skill, and finesse. As with any worthwhile robbery, this project is complicated. First you have get in, go through various physical barriers, defeat or bypass any guardians, etc., etc. On top of all that, you might have to create some diversion. See? Stealing is a complex art, and should be respected as such. Ha! And Apollo said I can't write poetry. Take that, Sunbeam!

Going back to the matter at hand, I walked around the mall and planned, staying generally close to Tiffany & Co. After several minutes, I had it. The only thing missing was a weapon, preferably Apollo's collapsible bow. That thing is amazing! When he's not using it, the actual bow turns into a watch, while the quiver a necklace. I've stolen it before, but Apollo isn't even here for me to take it from him. That part is kind of important. Anyway, I'm getting off topic again. Looks like I'll settle for a fork as a weapon.

I walked into a food court, and skimmed around of a preferably clean metal fork. I found one at one of the restaurants and thanked the man who gave it to me. I'm polite like that. After a sufficient time of walking around so the guy didn't think I came only for the fork, I left and went back to the area close to the jewelry store. Sitting down on a bench, I examined the fork. It only had three tines, so I'd have to make another. I bent the fork in half so the handle touched the base of the tines, then back again. In essence, shortening the handle to the length of the tines. Looking around to see if people were paying attention (no one was), I crouched down and began scratching the metal utensil against the sidewalk. The flat rectangular edge eventually grew sharp, but I had to switch to scrapping it against a rock. Afterward, I checked my watch. It was 3:00. Styx, I only had half an hour to steal the necklace and get it to the Jacksons! I quickly finished the throwing star by folding the tines around to create four sharp points.

I shoved it in my pocket, ignoring the ripping sound as I ran. Just as Tiffany & Co. came into view, I took a deep breath and held it. My watch ticked down from 300 seconds as I became invisible. Knowing I only had five minutes of invisibility, I slipped into Tiffany & Co., making my way rather quickly toward the steel door. With some difficultly because I couldn't see myself, I pressed my thumb against the keyhole. There was a series of noises and clicks, and the door opened. The three guards predictably turned toward the unexpected noise. "Who's there?" one of them said.

I did not respond. The Diamond Fringe Necklace was resting on a black, clothed table near the wall. The guards were stationed on the exposed sides. I contemplated which way I would enter for a while, shuffling back and forth on my winged feet. Finally deciding, I slipped between the wall and the guard nearest the door. In my haste, my shoulder brushed his hip. He turned and stared at the seemingly empty space behind the necklace for a long time. After ages he turned away, but the others were now on alert. My oxygen supply reached zero, so as quietly as I could, I tried to catch my breath without gasping. Which is almost impossible. After I started breathing again, I realized I was pinned. My shoulders and wings were wedged between the wall and table, leaving only my head, forearms, and legs movable. To make matters worse, the guards were coming. And since I had started breathing again, they could see me. Oh, Styx.

They were going to notice me anyway, so I might as well make the most of it. I have to go from 0 decibels to over 100 and hold it for at least 2 seconds in one try if I want that necklace. If that made no sense, here's a simpler explanation: if you sing or scream at the right frequency, you can break glass. Of course, the glass has to have microscopic defects, and you have to stay at that crazy volume for 2-3 seconds. For perspective, normal conversation is 50 decibels. There are many flaws with my plan. This glass case might be flawless, and I have never gone from silent to glass-breaking in one try, but there's a first time for everything. Another problem is, even if I'm loud enough, I have to match the frequency of the glass. Though this is not the ideal time or place to scream, I had one shot and I intended on using it.

As the first guard, who was the one I had touched, saw me, I taking deep breaths. The second came and the third and just as they started to say something, I took one last breath and screamed. My watch lit up, displaying increasing numbers. I didn't know it measured sound frequency. 87, 91, 96, 102. It stopped there, but I was running out of air (again), and the glass was still unresponsive. The good thing was the guards were covering their ears, wincing. Just as my voice gave out and I lost hope, the case around the Diamond Fringe Necklace shattered. I mean exploded, sending tiny clear shrapnel in all directions. I covered myself as much as I could, which was pretty much relying on my clothes. Unfortunately, the glass pieces hit the wall and rained on me, easily slicing the polyester shirt and thin wool slacks.

After the explosion, I heard distant alarms and voices. Though, at this point, if someone was talking right in my ear, I'd say they were distant. "Well, if it isn't the god of thieves, proving us right again." The first guard said. "Hermes, you really can't stop, can you?"

"How do you know who I am?" I asked, nervously. Why can't it just be some mortal I can actually defeat?

"Seriously, Herm?" he said. "I think I'd know my own son's name, especially because you always getting trouble."

If that's Zeus, and there are two more, they must be- Oh Styx, I'm going to die. "I'm not always getting-"

"Chandelier."

I sighed. Zeus turned into his normal self, as did Hades and Poseidon. As the lord of the underworld went to the door and spread a thick layer black smoke across the world room, the other two grabbed my arms and yanked me free. The temperature dropped about 20 degrees, and the lights dimmed to barely glowing. "Way to set the mood, uncle."

He gave me an icy glare and rejoined his brothers around me. Poseidon spoke. "We've been discussing this issue."

I played dumb. "What issue?"

"And we came to a decision-"

"Who's we? You three or you and the other Olympians? Wait!" I said with a trademark sly smile. "It was you and your schizophrenia, wasn't it? I'm pretty shore the conversation went like this: Neptune was wondering 'Water you doing?'. You don't say anything, you just wave."

Poseidon sighed. "Hermes, please stop."

"But did you sea what I did there?"

"Of course I did. I invented those puns. Now stop."

"I'm shore you did."

"Hermes!"

I raised my hands in surrender. "Sorry, please don't krill me! The porpoise is to be funny!"

The sea god stared, steam curling around him head. "If you say one more pun-"

"Shell I stop? Are you getting tide of this?"

He snapped his fingers and boiling water swirled in a ball above his hand. Oh, Styx. "Okay, I'll stop. My lips are sealed." I paused and the thought about what I said. Oh, Styx. "I meant sealed like the verb, meaning closed or locked! Not the animal!" Too late. He narrowed his eyes as hot water splashed my face. "Ow." I said, a few seconds afterward. "Boiling water is hot." I wiped my face and shook my hands off. Luckily no water got on my shirt, which was tucked in. I sighed and glared at Poseidon.

"Anyway," Zeus said, looking at his brother. "we have more important things to discuss. Like how Hermes can and keeps stealing things." He said slowly, glancing at the empty display. The Big Three glared at me. "Seriously guys? Took you long enough." I leapt up, hoping to go over Zeus and run away. Unfortunately, he and Poseidon grabbed my arms and body slammed me to the ground. Why did I think that plan was going to work? I opened my eyes after my spine stopped throbbing and saw Hades in front of me and I hatched a better idea. My winged feet were still free. I curled my legs up and turned to the side, seeming to shrink in fear. They bought it. "Are you scared Hermes? Now that you can't fly?" Zeus said coolly. He pushed me down further and I inwardly smiled. The pressure would only help me. In front of me, Hades shifted slightly. Now it was time.

I launched my winged feet toward the lord of the Underworld, aiming for his head. As I kicked, I twisted out of Zeus' and Poseidon's grip and kind of jumped onto Hades. I hit his temple heels first and landed on each side of his face. He didn't move. Understandably so, I mean, I cracked his skull. If he was a mortal, he would be dead. A hard kick plus winged feet equals pain and possibly death. I killed Hades. Or at least stunned him until his head glues itself back together. Free of all three gods, I ran to the door Hades had locked. Just before they caught up, I unlocked it and sprinted out of Tiffany & Co. with the Diamond Fringe Necklace.