Ever

Chapter 13

Blake's Point of View

This little girl sat on my lap and I suddenly realized everything she meant to Kelly. This little life grew inside of her and then she had to give up on here because she thought see wasn’t good enough. I felt like it was just right to be her dad. It was such a natural feeling being around this precious kid. She looked like Kelly so much. She has her eyes and the most adorable little nose. Her fingers are so tiny. She’s fragile and sweet like her mama and you know by the way they look at each other Libby knows that’s her real mama. When she looks at me, her eyes don’t sparkle the same way but you know she knows she has something good going for her. I want to call her mine. The little giggles I hear from her warm my heart and I just wish she could be my little girl.

I look over at Kelly who’s staring at the sky while rubbing her thumb across the back of my hand. The two girls I’m in love with are sitting right there full of innocents and beauty they don’t even know they have. “Blake,” Kelly whispers still staring into the voids of space.

“Yeah baby?” I whispered back pressing my lips to her ear. I know she isn’t all there when it didn’t affect her.

“I love you,” she said low. She finally turned and looked at me. Her eyes were almost… sad.

“Baby what’s wrong?” I could hear this but in her voice. I pulled my hand from her’s and ran my fingers over her cheek, carefully across a small scar she had gotten when the bull threw her. Her eyes became duller, losing their light and sparkle.

“Is she going to be happy here? What if she hates me for giving her up? What happens if she wants to meet Owen? Will she think I’m just some shit mother who couldn’t get it together for her own flesh and blood? I’m such an idiot, Blake” she whispered “I’m such an idiot.” She absent mindedly ran her fingers through her hair.

“You gave her up for her own good. You were always putting her first. That doesn’t make you a shit mother. If she wants to meet Owen when she gets older let her, but you have to know that you did the best think for you. He would have kicked you two out. She is going to have the best life she possibly could her. Nobody could ever hate you. You could have given her up and never cared about her again. But you didn’t, and she’s her now. You of all the people I know are not an idiot.” I pressed my lips to hers, keeping a hand on Libby so she wouldn’t stumble off somewhere. She moaned alittle, more like a sigh against me as though the stress deflated out of her chest.

Her lips were soft against mine cautious almost. She felt broken in my arms like part had given up. She pulled away and picked up Libby and walked into the house without another word.

***

Libby finally fell asleep in her crib and Kel was lying against me on the couch. We were the only people home; Rene had off-farm call, Grant was with Ty fishing in Colorado, and Jamie had going shopping with friends. I ran my fingers through her soft curl and down her back, making her shiver. She looked back with pleading eyes but I just smiled. She turned around straddling my lap and this time, kissed me like she meant it. She ran her hands across my shoulders before folding them together behind my head. I pressed my hand to the small of her bringing her closer to me.

“I love you,” she whispered and kissed my jaw, “so so much. I love you.”

“Baby girl you don’t know how much I love you. Words can’t express how much you mean to me.” I smiled down at her.

“You could show me.”

***

Over the monitor Libby started crying so I reached back slowly careful not to wake Kelly and turned it off. I pushed myself up awkwardly and went into her room. Her face was scrunched up and her fists balled. I picked her up with a blanket and wrapped her in it. I sat on the edge of Kelly’s bed and rocked her hoping to settle her. I realized she needed her diaper changed so I set her on the changing table.

With a fresh diaper and crying reduced to a small whimper, I hummed to her as I walked to the kitchen to get her some juice.

There's two things I know for sure

She was sent here from heaven

And she's daddy's little girl

As I drop to my knees by her bed at night

She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes

And I thank God for all of the joy in my life

 Oh but most of all

For butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer

Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair

Walk beside the pony daddy it's my first ride

 I know the cake looks funny daddy but I sure tried

I handed her the sippy cup and took her out to the barn. Her little eyes lit up in awe as I set he down and she stumbled down the aisle. She went right down to Coal’s stall which he happened to occupy at the moment due to the heat. She stuck her chubby little arm through the bar trying to touch him. The old horse’s joints cracked as he turned to Libby and intently touched his nose to her hand. She wasn’t scared, nor did she make a sound. She just stood there curious about what else he would go. He accidently sneezed in her face and she giggled and sat down never looking away. It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. I bent over and picked her up and set her in the cut out window so she could see how big he was. She wanted horribly to touch him and suddenly he picked up his head from his water bucket and nudged her foot. She smiled a huge and looked back at me as if to see if I found this as equally incredible. I pulled her onto my hip and walked out of the barn, into the bright sun to show her the colts and fillies.

Whistling, she clapped as they ran up the hill, full gallop on their fragile legs. I pulled Royal’s halter so she’d come closer. I petted her poll, between her ears and let Lib pet her too. I showed her not to touch the white tape fence because it was electrified. She found it all so interesting and her curiosity made me smile. She was definitely going to take after her mama. Every time she fell she just brushed off the dirt and kept truckin’ along. She was quiet and observant. She didn’t cry at all and she was smart.

I took her through the fields of the geldings careful to make sure they weren’t going to be stupid around her. She just waddled right past them. Their huge stature and power didn’t faze her. When Casper dropped his head she stuck out a hand to his face and petted him. She played with his nose and nearly walked under him if I hadn’t caught her. She looked up me with a pout on her lips and folded her arms with a huff.

At that I laughed and we took the trail back down to the barn. She started getting tired again so I hoisted her up on my shoulders. She set her hands on my head to keep herself balanced. I skipped a bit making her bounce up and down, while she laughed like crazy. We made it back to the head of the trail and I handed her a raspberry from one of the wild bushes. She got more on her face than I think she actually ate but it was adorable no less. The sun was setting over the mountain so I brought her inside and slipped off her shoes. Setting her on the kitchen counter I grabbed a damp cloth and wiped off her face, hands, and legs. After a small tickle fight I slide her into her high chair and heated up some baby mush. I sat down next to her and put a bib on her.

“Here comes the airplane!” I circled the spoon in front of her face before I fed it to her. I did this until the mush was gone and she was nearly asleep. I picked her up and placed her on my shoulder. I changed her diaper quickly so she didn’t get fussy and rocked her. Her babbling became less and less as she dozed off, and right before she fell asleep I could have sworn she said

“Dada”