December 4th, 2016
Dear diary,
I finally understand something I never thought I would.
For the longest time, I believed he was the love of my life. I believed the world would roll itself up and disappear the moment he did. I believed I would crumble right after him. There were nights I thought breathing without him was already a kind of punishment, and living on felt like treason.
I thought my smile would rot away with the grief.
But look at me now. Look at this ridiculous, cramped, numb-handed, too-long entry I'm writing. My fingers are complaining, my pen is dying, and I'm still here, scribbling like it matters.
Maybe it does.
How am I?
It took a long while to move on... longer than I wanted to admit. Grief made a ghost out of me for a year: wake, school, cry, sleep, repeat. But the world kept nudging me forward in the small ways. A shared umbrella. A warm drink pushed silently into my hands. Laughter I didn't realize was mine.
And somewhere along the way, I stopped waking up with the same kind of ache. It's still there, like an old scar hiding under my sleeve, but it doesn't bleed anymore.
Oh. And apparently Namjoon and Channette have been together since forever. Literally everyone knew except me. I swear I'm the last to receive all information T.T
His friends... they've been good to me. They don't treat me like I'm fragile anymore, and honestly, I'm finally past the age of collapsing over every memory. I miss him, but I'm not drowning. I can talk about him without breaking. I can laugh at the stupid jokes he told. I can visit him without my knees giving out.
There's also this guy. A year younger. Jeon Jungkook.
I don't think I ever mentioned him here. He was one of Jin's juniors. I didn't even know they were close until I saw him at the funeral that day, hovering quietly behind the others, red-eyed but pretending otherwise.
He's... nice. The kind of nice that sneaks up on you. The kind that brings extra snacks "by accident" but somehow always remembers what I like. He reminds me of a younger brother I never had, always insisting he's "grown up now" and then tripping over absolutely nothing five seconds later.
We're all on separate paths now, but every year without fail, we visit Jin together. Flowers. Laughter. Stories we've already told a hundred times but still tell anyway.
And—
Oh. Doorbell.
gtg. Jungkook's here with the others. We're doing a movie marathon tonight, and he swears he prepared "emotionally stable snacks" so I won't cry again during the sad scenes.
I'm kind of excited.
Actually... no, not kind of. Very.
