Lost

Regret.

     It's hard to accept regret. I don't want to admit regret, because I don't understand exactly how it is. But I know the pain if the next morning. The morning after you know something horrible has happened and you can't help but turn on the water of your shower, plug the drain, and just lay down crying until the hot water fills your nostrils.
    This has happened to me many times and today happens to be one of them.
  Last night I wandered back home. I didn't even know who I was, all I knew was my parents were becoming suspicious.
   And I was lost.
  It's Tuesday morning. I'm at school, reviewing the French revolution. My history teacher goes on teaching and I break down crying.
  It's quiet, so people won't look, but of course the asshole next to me knows.
  "Have a rough night?"
  All I do is sink a little lower in my chair and put my head down on my desk.
  I don't really know if I want to respond. Or if I even had an answer.
I did what I had wanted to do, get high. Really fucking high. Get drunk, wasted. Do whatever it takes to make you feel like nothing.
   But that's the thing. You can only feel nothing for a little bit then it all comes back and hits you. Regret.
  But then again I ask for too much. I want to feel, and not feel anything at all.
   I need a cigarette.
   Or a friend.
  I message the group chat

  Cece: guys
 
Shithead:yes?

Blondie:?
 
Jose the Gardener: ???

Cece: Will someone call in as my parent so I can leave school?

Jose the Gardener: I'll do it what's my excuse.

Cece: I have a funeral

Shithead: Omg who died?

Cece: I did

Shithead: ...

     I shut my phone, and begin to put my things away not but a minute later the classroom phone rings. Mr wood stops his talk about Napoleon, and answers he takes one look at me, and im already out the door.
        I ran off campus with tears down my face, and ran all the way down to the church by my house. I went between some old brick walls where the homeless sleep in the winter.
     I only went there because I thought I would be alone, but it turned out one of my friends from school was there.
   He was one of the people who didn't know much about my life but he was my friend and always made me laugh.

  "Samuel?", I ask. "What are you doing over here." He gives me a dull look before turning his head down.

  Only me and a few people knew about these spots I was curious to know how he found this spot.

  "I remembered you once told me about this place.. where you'd go as kids. You and a couple of friends that is. I liked the way you described it when you told me sometimes you went here to get away, so instead of coming to school I went off to find this place and you were right. It's nice." He looks around at the old bricks and I slide down next to him.

    "Yeah it is isn't it." And I hug him before he starts crying. "It's alright Samuel."

    "Lots of people say that" he smiles. "But dont worry I'm suicidal so it means nothing." I slightly laugh but knowing it's true kinda brings a darker meaning to it.

     "Ah but you see those people say it to be nice. I say it because it's true. Just give it time."

     "Yeah, anyways what are you doing here?" Now it's my turn to look down.
  
     "Honestly I came here for a smoke."

    "Ew"

    "I know I know, but what are you gonna do"

    "Well...."

    "Don't you dare." And with that he gets up takes my bag and starts running. I get up and both of us start laughing and we run around the old brick church.