Lost

free

Can you remember a time you felt free? I can, and I miss it.
    The feeling to be free to love
Free to run around
Free to do whatever
And I long for that feeling so much I often look for it in drugs, sex, fighting, anything to give me the rush that I'm free.
   I miss it , and that's what leads me to why I don't care but wish I did.
   It's running through the rain in barely anything but never complaining when getting sick.
  It's smoking while swinging back on fourth on a childhood playground.
     It's laughing in the night with friends around the church your "attending"
  Being free is doing what you want without having to care whether it's wrong or you'll get caught.
   That's why I get close to anything I think can give me that feeling.
      It's also the reason I ignore important things like Cheyenne carrying the baby she ended up with because of me.
Because if I allow myself to believe something like that I'll resort back to a child like state, and I won't know what to do from there.
   By now it wasn't something we could ignore and blame on a bottle of wine.
    This was an accident, and my fault, and it was also a positive on a test.
    Im laying down with cheyenne, and Angleica. We're looking at the stars. Sharing a cigarette.

     "This is real isn't it?" Cheyenne says exhaling the smoke. She begins crying and throws the cigarette off the roof. We all sit up, and begin hugging her.

   "It doesn't have to be real"

   "Could you just shut the fuck up for once Sierra. This is real this is a real person inside me. This is us as 15 year olds never knowing if we're gonna see daylight again. We can't sit here and pretend this is fake, or maybe you can but I can't and I just need you to be here. Here in reality I need people and I don't ever want to have you guys gone. I can't do this on my own." She cries out even louder before she tucks her face into Angelicas shoulder. I'm so taken back I don't know what to do.
   I get up, and walk out the back gate of Cheyenne's house, and now I'm crying
     Things are so off but I don't want to face them. I just want to walk down the middle of this road.
    I text Alexander to meet me at the house, and thats just where I went out, and looked at the sky.
    Once I got to the house I went to the stop story and just sat in the window seal crying.
    Cheyenne was right. She did need us, but I didn't know how to be there.  I only knew how to ignore things.
Alexander came up eventually, pulling the broken chair next to me.
   "Wanna talk about it?" Without even a second thought I pulled his face to mine.
   Kissing all my anger and hurt away. I wanted him to feel my pain, and in a way I knew he could.
   I reached to take off his shirt, next his pants, and all in a moment we were once again fucking in this broken home.
     Cause what else was there to do. I wanted to feel free.