Lost

holy hell

     After running around the church, and me getting my bag back. Samuel decided to go home, and I did the same.
    I unlocked the front door to my childhood home with my hands still stained with the sent of cigarettes.
   It was quiet in the house and I was happy. You'd never catch me walking around the house if my parents were home.
   I'd stay in my room often until everyone was asleep.
   Everyone always wonders why people like me go A-wall and well. They usually just think it's because we're teenagers.
   But that's only part of the truth.
   Most of the time I come home to a raging alcoholic mother and an often absent father. But who could blame him.
  Mother is horrible.
And sometimes the people ask why drink if your mom's an alcoholic.
   I get it. Hypocritical. But I also get the feeling alcohol gives.
  I get angry Everytime I see my mom with a bottle in her hand, and yet Everytime I see one I wanna chug it.
   I remember when I was 13 and I took my first drink of alcohol. It was a shot of vodka with this girl i liked.
  I hated myself for it but then I said fuck it "I always said id never be like my parents but look at me now why not"
   I wasn't the only one who had said this. I have a half brother,but if you were to ask my parents I'm an only child. He had become worse of the three of us.
   But then again when you've got a grown man beating you, and drunk mother just standing there watching, and a sister who learned to treat you like shit to save her own ass. Any of us could have ended up that way.
    He's now homeless, addicted to everything, and trapped in his own world were everything is out to get him.
   It's his own holy hell as he'd describe it.
   It's sad sometimes when you see him, and remember the little broken kid.
   Sometimes I remember back when my parents would leave and he'd be locked in his room.. id unlock it because I felt bad, then he'd go and eat a bunch if food, steal things or run off.
   I'd take the blame. And it made me happy because then I didn't feel so bad for all those times I had to hate him.
   But that's besides the point. In a family full of fucked up you'd think I'd want to be better.
   Well hell I tried to be better and they hated me, so I became worse and it didn't change.
   So why not do what you want if it's gonna have he same outcome Everytime.
   It's my own holy hell.
        And God is loosing the devil's battle.