Mommy Winchester

Part 17

“You can’t do this, Tessa.” Dean mutters,  stiffening in the chair he sits in. “You can’t —.”
“It’s not my decision, Dean,” Tessa sighs, gazing at him, dark eyes saddened. “I don’t call the shots, you know that.”
“But she has a son —.”
“Lots of people have sons, that doesn’t keep them from dying.”
Dean stares at her, and then down at the little boy in his arms.
“But…”
“I’m sorry, Dean. This is out of my hands — even out of Deaths. Her body is just… Done. She’s broken, and she’s barely clinging to life as it is. The ventilator won’t be able to keep her going. That is, unless you want her to suffer like this.”
“Suffer?”
“Yes. She’s in a coma, Dean; she can still hear and think, she knows what’s wrong with her. Her brain is damaged, so even if she could recover… She wouldn’t be the same.”
“But how is she suffering!? Is she in pain or —?”
“She’s going through her memories.”
“Her memories?”
“Yes. She’s reliving her life all over again. The good… The bad… And some of the worst memories I’ve ever seen in someone so young…” Tessa turns to gaze at you, frowning. “She has seen some truly awful things in her life. She is a strong girl.”
“What is she seeing?” Dean asks, his voice hushed; he’s not sure if he wants to know the answer or not.
“At the moment? Her father. The training’s he put her through as a child, the horrors she saw as a little girl. He’s a cruel man, isn’t he?”
“Wilhelm? I — no, he never seemed that way,” Dean hesitates; was Wilhelm cruel?
He’d made you strong in the end, capable of taking on anything and absolutely always coming out on top. No, your life hadn’t been ideal,  but if it hadn’t been for that you never would have met Dean.
But, now that he thought about it, he wishes you’d never met him.
Maybe you would be normal.
Maybe you wouldn’t be in the condition you were.
Dying, worrying for your son — reliving all the hell you’d been through.
Tessa suddenly winces.
“What?” Dean demands, seeing your fingers suddenly twitch. He starts to rise, clutching Cail firmly in his arms, but Tessa shakes her head.
“Just a bad memory.”
“So… So you can see what she sees?”
“Yes. She’s not out of body, not like you were. She’s trapped in her literal own hell, reliving everything like she is. It’s not a pleasant experience. I wouldn’t want to he trapped in my own body like that.”
Dean pauses, then slowly turns, setting his sleeping child in the chair, the small boy shifting and curling tighter to himself.
“What is she seeing?” he asks, stepping forward slowly. He gazed down at you, hardly recognizable in all of your bandages, that thing over your mouth to help you breathe. His throat swells, and he reaches out, taking your hand.
This couldn’t happen.
He’d just found you, he couldn’t lose you.
“She’s reliving learning about her pregnancy,” Tessa murmurs after a moment. “How her father reacted. He wasn’t pleased, you know. And now she’s searching for you, finding Sam… He having to tell her you were dead… She really is so young, Dean.”
“I know,” he whispers. “It’s my fault.”
“Dean…”
“I was — I got her pregnant, and then I just —.”
“You didn’t plan on dying, Dean.”
“But I came back. And I didn’t search hard enough for her when I did, I just let Sam convince me she was dead and I just — I just forgot about her, I —.”
“She never forgot about you.”
Dean glares at her.
“Why are you even talking to me?” he mutters after a moment, tightening his hold on your cold, pale hand. “Why didn’t you just take her?”
“Because she’s not ready, not yet. She doesn’t want to go, she’s not sure what will happen to Cail.”
“She knows I’ll take him —.”
“But she doesn’t know that he’ll be safe, Dean. She’s worried. Her body will give out before she’s let go, and you know what happens to spirits that have unfinished business.”
“They get trapped,” Dean mutters, looking down. “I don’t want her stuck here until she…”
“Goes crazy and becomes what you have to hunt? She wouldn’t want that either. You need to comfort her, Dean… give her peace.”
“And how do I do that?”
“By talking to her.”
“Can she even hear me?”
“No, not like this.” Tessa shakes her dark head, sighing. “I’ve… Death has given me permission to let you speak to her in a… different way. Go into her mind, see what she’s seeing. Everything is just black for her right now, her memories aren’t surfacing at the moment. This would be your chance, you know, to go in, to speak with her and comfort her and let her know that your son is going to be in good hands.”
“Why would Death —?”
“How should I know? He seems fond of you,” Tessa shrugs. “If it was my decision, I would have just taken her and avoided all of this. But it’s not, obviously. So you have a chance here, to do something good. Are you going to take it or not?”
“I…” Dean trails off, gazing at you, the forced movement of your chest, the bruises and lacerations covering your skin; the cast on your broken wrist.
He owes it to you to do the right thing.
He doesn’t want to suffer.
He also doesn’t want to raise his son on his own, either.
He wants you there, being a mother, showing Cail right and wrong.
Dean doesn’t know how to be a father.
He doesn’t even know how to take care of himself.
His shoulders droop.
But…
You need peace.
You don’t deserve to suffer.
If this was one thing he could go to lessen your pain, then he would.
Even if it means losing you.
But it’s not forever.
As many times as he and Sam had visited Heaven, he was sure he would see you again one day, if he got tossed up there. Ash would be there, hopefully he would steer Dean in the right direction.
If, well, that’s where Dean gets to go in the end.
Would he even get a Heaven now, after all that he had done? Did he deserve one?
You certainly did.
And now wasn’t the time to worry over himself.
“I want to talk to her,” he says after a moment, his eyes flicking to Cail. “I’ll do it, I’ll… I’ll do my best to comfort her.”
“That’s all you need to do,” Tessa murmurs, slipping her hand into his. She curls her fingers around his, and then reaches forward, taking your hand as well. “I can only give you a few minutes, Dean, so use them wisely. She’s… in a dark place right now.”
~~~~~~~
It was so dark.
You were just kind of floating, aimlessly, gazing around at the darkness surrounding you.
You couldn’t explain it, other then that everything was just sort of… void.
There was nothing.
No sound.
No images.
No movement.
Just… nothingness.
Was this what death was supposed to be like?
Did you just float around forever?
You weren’t sure.
You hope not.
It would be incredibly lonely.
Would you get to go to Heaven, too?
Or would you… go down?
Meet Crowley in his own element?
You want to sigh.
You hope not, you really hadn’t liked him.
But if you go up, will you see your brothers again?
Your mother?
Was your father dead?
You don’t know.
You kind of hope not, you don’t want to see him again.
But you’re not ready to die.
You don’t want to leave Cail.
Not all alone.
You know Dean will care for him, but it’s not the same.
He’s your baby.
You’re all he has.
He’s all you have.
You want to spend time with him, not just… disappear.
You’re not ready.
You’re not going.
You simply refuse.
You don’t care if your body gives out, you’re not leaving your son behind.
You might become a ghost, if the Winchesters don’t burn your body, but you’re fine with that. You’ll protect Cail as long as you’re able, as long as you’re sane…
Eventually, they’d had to get rid of you, considering you would be more poltergeist-ish in the end, but that was a risk you were willing to take.
You need Cail.
He needs you.
That’s all you can focus on.
Cail.
Cail.
You close your eyes, trying to remember what he looks like.
“(Y/N)?”
Hmm?
What was that?
You frown, your name coming from right behind you.
That was odd.
Weren’t you alone, in the darkness?
And the noise echos, as if you’re underwater, or in some kind of large room.
You slowly open your eyes, but there’s only black.
How odd.
Were you imagining things again?
Probably.
Your eyes start to drift close again.
A figment from your memories, seeping into the darkness, that’s all it was.
Funny, though… it had sounded like Dean….
“(Y/N)? Where are you?”
?
You sigh, and then slowly twist around, your movements slow and like you’re underwater; you can see your hair drifting around you, and when you glace down at yourself, you can see your body, your clothes…
Just everything else was dark.
“(Y/N)? Where are you? Say something!”
Dean?
Was it… him?
Were you going crazy?
Was this your subconscious making him appear?
You hesitate, seeing a small light in the distance.
“….Dean?”
“(Y/N)! (Y/N), where are you!?”
“I’m…. here?”
Wherever the hell that was.
You blink, tilting your head curiously as the light becomes bigger, more into focus, and now you can see Dean, running towards you, his face frantic and worried. You just stay where you are, gazing at him, wondering why he was here.
In your darkness.
Your solitude.
“Dean?” you question as he comes to a stop. not even winded.
Dean stares at you, his mouth opening like he was going to speak — but he doesn’t.
Instead, his hands curl around your face, and his lips are suddenly on yours, kissing you, kissing you like you were the air he needs to breathe.
Well.
You had missed that.
“Dean?” you mumble, confusion clear in your voice as you pull away. “What are you…?”
“Doing here?” he asks, gazing down into your eyes, glancing up around at the darkness surrounding you. “I came… to see you.”
“You… you’re not dead are you!?” You gasp, suddenly horrified. “Cail —.”
Who would care for Cail if both his parents were dead!?
“I’m not dead,” he sighs, shaking his head, his hands dropping from clasping your face. “I… came to talk to you, one last time.”
“One last time…?”
“Do you know what’s happening to you?”
“Yes. I’m in the hospital, I can’t… move.”
“You’re in a coma, with serious brain damage.” Dean hesitates. “The doctors can’t do anything to help you now, they’re saying it’s just a matter of time —.”
“Before I die?”
“Yes.” his voice is regretful. “(Y/N), I’m so sorry! I was such an idiot, I should’ve left when I realized — you were hurt because of me, I —.”
“I was hurt because I was a fool,” you mutter, withdrawing from him, your hair flowing around you. “I trusted the wrong people, Dean. And they took advantage of me. It’s not your fault, don’t think it is. I just…. this is just what I get.” you sigh, shaking your head.
“But it’s not what you deserve! I — I never wanted this for you,” he swallows, hard. “I thought when this was all over, then we… then we….”
“Could be a family?” your voice is bitter.
Dean hesitates.
“You thought when this was all over, you could just — come and go as you please, didn’t you? Be in Cail’s life for a week, then disappear for a year or two!? It wouldn’t have worked like that, Dean, I wouldn’t have let you do that to him!”
“I —.”
“No!” you shake your head, your hands rising to cover your ears. “No, no, no! I don’t want to hear anymore!”
Dean stares at you, and then glances around worriedly, feeling the solid ground beneath his feet start to quake, everything weakening.
“(Y/N), calm down,” he gasps, reaching for you. “The —.”
“Darkness,” you mutter, starting to crumple. You slip down to the ground, curling your knees to your chest. “It’s so dark.”
You’d always hated the dark, the monsters that writhed in it.
Dean slowly kneels in front of you.
“It’s going to be okay, (Y/N),” he murmurs, reaching forward. He curls one hand beneath your chin, tilting it upward. Your eyes go to his, frightened.
“I don’t want to die, Dean. I’m not ready.”
“I’m so sorry,” he whispers, his voice anguished. “I’m so sorry, (Y/N).”
“I don’t want to die,” you repeat, feeling tears well in your eyes. “Cail —.”
“I’m going to take care of Cail, I swear to you on my life,” Dean tells you, moving closer to envelope you in his arms, holding you snugly against his chest. You inhale, but you can’t smell anything — not his cologne, not his comforting scent…
Just nothing.
Nothingness, everywhere.
“Shh,” Dean whispers, and you realize you’re crying, your tears soaking into his shirt.
“I will take care of Cail,” he says again, his voice muffled in your hair. “I will raise him the right way, okay? I’ll teach him about the monsters, I’ll make sure he’s aware, but — but he won’t be a hunter. He’ll grow up knowing how to defend himself, but he won’t be a hunter. I’ll raise him the right way, let him be normal, I swear to you on everything I have, everything I am. Nothing’s gonna happen to our boy.”
“You can’t promise me that, Dean,” you choke, squeezing your eyes shut. “I know what happens to a-a Winchester. Your lives are fucked from birth.”
Dean hesitates; he doesn’t know what to say to that.
“I won’t leave Cail,” you sniffle, shaking your head. “No matter what, I won’t leave him.”
Not like your mother did you.
Not with your father still living.
It wasn’t fair!
You’re not ready!
Dean just holds you, unable to form a response, your denial making his chest ache so badly he was ready to give his heart to a Lamia just to make the pain stop. You weren’t going without a fight, but he had expected as much.
If only he had more time —.
“I love you,” he whispers, kissing your cheek. “I love you, (Y/N).”
You stiffen, the words ringing through your ears.
Did he?
Really?
Was he just a figment your mind was producing?
You’re not sure what to believe.
You’re not foolish, you know you’re dying; you know you don’t have long left, that it would be so much easier just to let go already, to not fight it. You can feel the pull already, but you were resisting with everything you had.
You weren’t going.
Not yet.
“I love you too,” you mumble, lifting your head from his chest. “I always have.”
“I know,” Dean murmurs, brushing your floating hair from the way. “I’ve always known.”
You gaze at him, feeling sadness swell through you.
“You’ve never felt the same before.”
“Are you kidding me?” he shakes his head, his shirt tails wafting around his waist, the necklace he wore sifting around his shoulders. “I have since that night in the hayloft, I just — we’re hunters. We don’t get happy endings, or love stories. You know that. There just…”
“… wasn’t a point,” you finish for him, sighing. “I know.”
Why make it hurt worse when one of you died?
And here you were.
Dying.
After all.
“This sucks.” you grumble.
“I know, I know it does. If I could — if there was something I could do to heal you —,” Dean starts to choke, and you sigh, wrapping your arms around his neck, his arms closing around your waist tightly.
You can feel the darkness shaking again.
“I don’t want to go,” you whisper.
“I don’t want you too.”
So why did you have too?
Why couldn’t you stay!?
You’re not ready!
It’s not fair!
Your son —!
“Please take care of Cail,” you say after a moment, shuddering as you feel that pull intensify again. “Please, Dean, I’m begging —.”
“He’s my son, (Y/N). I’ll take care of him better then our fathers did us. I won’t break my promise.”
“But what if he wants to become a hunter?” you sniffle. “What if you can’t stop him?”
“Then he won’t go anywhere without me — there won’t be one hunt he goes on that me or Sam isn’t there, that Castiel isn’t there, that Crowley —?”
“The demon king —?”
“I made a deal with him,” Dean admits after a moment, hesitating. “I made a deal that I would kill his mother if he would keep you and Cail safe.”
“He didn’t do a very good job.”
“No,” Dean sounds grim, “he didn’t. But Cail will be safe from demons and any kind that Crowley rules over.”
Because that was a massive weight off your shoulders.
You sigh.
You’re still not ready.
You’re not going.
You’re not leaving your son.
“You know,” Dean murmurs, running his fingers down your back. “I never thought I would live to be this old. I thought that… that I would already be dead, really dead. Not coming back. I can’t remember any of the times I’ve died, except one. Heaven is a beautiful place, (Y/N).”
“You’ve been to Heaven?”
“Yes. Everyone there gets their own, full of happy memories and people you love,” he murmurs, kissing your shoulder. “It’s amazing, it’s everything anyone could ever want — you’ll love it there.”
“How do you —?”
“Know you’ll go to Heaven? I just do. You’ll get to see your brothers again, Kaiser and Adlar. They’re both there. And your mother. All your family before you. All the legends, too. And a lot of rockers. Can you imagine the rockstars you get to meet?”
You chuckle weakly, just like he’d wanted.
“It’s wonderful, regardless. You’ll be at peace there.”
You hope so.
You’d like peace.
You’re so tired….
“But Cail,” you mumble, feeling your eyes start to droop. “What if my father comes for him…?”
“Your father doesn’t know about him,” Dean shakes his head. “He’s safe. Cail will never meet WIlhelm, I won’t let him.”
You hope not.
“He’s not a good man, Dean,” you manage, your eyes already closed, and Dean feels you start to slump again him, your hair starting to lay around your shoulders. “Please protect him…”
“Of course I’ll protect him,” he murmurs, holding you, your arms slipping off his shoulders. He pulls you against his chest, cradling you there, feeling that choking feeling again.
“I love you, (Y/N),” he murmurs, able to see you were slipping, relaxed in his arms. His clothing and yours were no longer moving, and he feels as if something is draining around him — as if the pressure for you to stay was slowly going away.
“I love you, too,” you mumble, snuggling into him. “And…. Cail, he….”
“I’ll take care of Cail,” Dean whispers, pressing his lips against your forehead. “Just get some rest, okay? You deserve it.”
“Mhmhmm…”
Dean would take care of Cail, you know that.
You weren’t sure why you were so worried before.
You trust him.
Inexplicably.
You….
~~~~~~~~
“It’s time, Dean.”
Dean slowly opens his eyes, feeling the tears slipping down his cheeks as he stares at you, the beeping returning. He takes a deep breath, the sounds and noises of the real world bothering his ears after being in your darkness, your bubble.
He slowly looks at Tessa, seeing the sad, gentle look on her face as her hand closes over his shoulder, attempting to comfort him.
“Okay,” he manages, his voice cracking.
Tessa nods, and then turns toward you, reaching for your hand.
“Wait!”
Dean and Tessa jerk, and they both turn, staring at the door in surprise as it’s shoved the rest of the way open.
“What the hell?” Dean demands, staring at the trio.
“I can heal her!” Cas wheezes, panting from running; he was trying to conserve as much angelic energy as he could, that was why he hadn’t just appeared in the room; his grace was fleeting, he was afraid to use too much.
“You can — what!?”
“We hunted down some rogue angels,” Sam pants, Crowley’s hand around his shoulder to steady him as he leans on his crutches. “Crowley found some, some bad ones, and we’ve been hunting them down. Cas sucked out their grace —.”
“And now I can heal the woman,” Cas finishes, still looking tired.
Tessa glares. “It’s her time to go, it’s Heaven’s orders —.”
“Fuck Heaven,” Dean scoffs, reaching forward. He grabs Cas by the front of his trench coat and drags him forward. “Heal her!”
“Dean!” Tessa gasps. “But you were ready —.”
“Fucking heal her, Cas!” Dean ignores her.
He wasn’t ready.
No fucking way.
Cas glances at the reaper, who was glaring furiously at everyone in the room, and then reaches for your hand.
You flatline.
You had been ready, after all.