Full Hearted and Heartbroken

Chapter Thirteen

13

“I do.”

“I do.”

“You may kiss the bride,” a minister says to Lloyd, and then Lloyd and I kiss; everyone claps.

I take Lloyd’s offered arm, and we walk down the church isle.  We are now a married couple, even though I don’t love him.  The diamond ring that he gave me is now resting on my ring finger. 

Lucas is waiting for Lloyd and I in the horse carriage.  I made sure that Lucas was at my wedding and that he did the honor of driving me and my husband around.  Which, or course, Lloyd didn’t like but he let Lucas anyway.

It’s been a month-and-a-half since Lucas and I had sex, and now I am wondering if it was a bad idea.  If I have a child when Lloyd and I haven’t even slept together, that would be the end of my life. 

Lloyd and I hold hands the whole way to Lloyd’s house.  His house is a lot bigger than Aaron’s, by far.  I say good-bye to Lucas for the last time, and then I walk inside Lloyd’s house.  It is a beautiful house, and Lloyd leads me to his room, which also becomes mine.

It’s the night after our wedding, after I cooked Lloyd his meal, and we undress together in our room.  I feel a little bump in my belly as I pull my dress off.  I widen my eyes as I run my hands over my belly, feeling Lucas’ child.  Uh-oh, this isn’t good.  But I quick think of a plan.

After I pull my dress and corset off, I go up to half naked Lloyd and wrap my arms around his bare chest.  Lloyd looks at me and smiles.  Lloyd wraps his muscular arms around my thighs, carries me to the bed, takes off mine and his underwear, and lays over top of me on the bed.

I do not want this, but this is the only way to make Lloyd think that the child I am carrying is his, I state to myself in my mind. 

Remember, I am only fifteen and I am sleeping with a twenty year old who I don’t even love.  Lloyd is running his hands/fingers all over my body and is kissing me everywhere his mouth can get to.  I just lay in bed, tolerating Lloyd’s obsessive kissing.  But whenever Lloyd’s mouth comes to meet my lips, I participate, but otherwise, I just stay still.  Knowing that I will never lay hands on Lucas again, I do not fight Lloyd’s hands.

“I love you,” Lloyd says while his tongue is in my mouth.

I do not answer but only sigh and groan.  Lloyd rolls me over onto his chest and then wraps his arms around me.  I only put my arms onto his chest and close my eyes.  I do not want this, I do not want this, I do not want this; but this is really happening and I cannot stop it now.  Lloyd is having the time of his life, and I am awake in a nightmare.

Lloyd finally stops running his hands all over me and lays his head down on one of the pillows.  I am still on top of him, wrapped in his arms, my head resting on his chest, as I close my eyes. 

 “Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!” I scream, tears coming out of my eyes.

The pain!  It hurts!  Is this really worth it!  Do I want a child that hurts this much?!  It seems as though the ceiling is going to come crashing down on top of me any minute now.  Finally, the pain stops.

Crying!  Crying!  Crying!  The crying won’t stop!  The baby is beautiful, but very noisy.  But the baby looks nothing like Lloyd; the baby looks like Lucas!  And my son is going to die, along with me, for not being Lloyd’s.

I open my eyes; sweat dripping off of my forehead.  Lloyd is looking down at me, smiling.  I smile back at him as if I am delighted to see him.  Unfortunately, he sticks his tongue in my mouth, kissing me for a dozen minutes, and then walks out of the room.  I get out of bed as soon as the room is empty of people, and start picking out something to where.