Full Hearted and Heartbroken

Chapter Seventeen

17

“How is Li doing?” Lloyd asks as he walks into the room.

I look from my baby boy up to Lloyd.  Lloyd finally decided to treat Luke as if he was his son.  But Lloyd still calls him Li, after his dead father.  Lloyd is still trying to get me to make love with him again, but I won’t do it.  I can’t.  If Lucas ever finds out that I was to birth a child of Lloyd’s, he would commit suicide. 

I know that Lloyd really wants to take Luke away from me, but he also knows that if he takes Luke away from me, I will go away, too.  I am practically Lloyd’s shadow and he is my cave.  He is trapping me from the world.  He is soaking in the sun while I am hiding in the dark corner.  And then there is Luke, the bat of the cave.  Luke is the one who is keeping us together for so long.

Lloyd comes over to me and sits down on the bed.  I am rocking Luke in my arms while I sit in my mother’s favorite rocking chair.  I am feeding Luke warm milk and potatoes that Sandra made.  All I want is Lloyd to get away from my son, even though he keeps telling me that he loves Luke as much as I do.  But I know that Lloyd doesn’t love Luke at all.  Lloyd only wants to take Luke out of our lives and get a child of his own.  But I keep telling him that I will never climb into his bed with him unless I am wearing clothes.  And, surprisingly, that’s worked so far.

“Sandra!” Lloyd yells from our room, making me jump and making Luke burst out in wails.

“Yes, Master Lloyd,” Sandra appears at the door.

“Take Li to the nursery.  Take care of him until Tammy and I appear from this room.  Your mistress and I need to have a little talk,” Lloyd commands, and Sandra takes Luke out of my arms, along with his food.  As Sandra gets ready to walk out of the room, Lloyd calls out.  “And don’t you dare bother us during our discussion.  It might take a while.”  And then Sandra clothes the door on Lloyd and me.

What does Lloyd want now?  He knows I won’t do anything with him until Luke is old enough to care for himself, and by that time, it will be too late.  I am a nervous wreck, waiting for Lloyd to strike.  My heart is bounding in my head, my blood is frozen in my veins, and the palms of my hands are all sweaty.  I am waiting for Lloyd to do something totally evil, but all he is doing is sitting on the bed, treating his nails.  I wait, and then after what feels like forever, Lloyd’s thunderous voice breaks the silent glass between us.

“Tammy, Tammy, Tammy,” Lloyd says calmly.  I hate this side of Lloyd.  What scares me more than his whip and his hands is his sweet, calm side.  “What do you think you are doing over there?  Come sit by me.”

I look at him, and then decide to stay seated where I am.  Lloyd is scaring me with his sweet smile, welcoming face, and loving voice.  The hair on the back of my neck is standing up.  My breath is shaking, but I try to hide it the best I can.  I can’t show Lloyd that I am scared.  I have to stay brave and take it like a woman.

“I said come sit by me,” Lloyd commands, and this time he looks up at me.  Through his eyes, I can see his evilness and his entertained spirit as he tortures me with just his voice. 

I stand up, carefully and cautiously, and walk over to my full length mirror, where Lloyd meets me.  I look at my thin figure; small chest and wide hips.  Why did I have to look so beautiful?  Why couldn’t I be ugly so that Lloyd wouldn’t want me?  Well, I guess if I were ugly, Lucas wouldn’t want me either. 

Lloyd’s palm from his smooth hand traces my figure from my hips to my neck.  With his lips he kisses me from my shoulder blade to my ear.  Lloyd places his other hand and arm around my waist, resting his hand in the front of me in between my legs.  Yuck, I know.  But as long as he isn’t taking off my dress, I’m good.  But just as I think that, it starts happening.