Full Hearted and Heartbroken

Chapter Fourteen

14

“You look beautiful, Tammy.  I don’t know what I would do if you didn’t decide to marry me,” Lloyd flirts with me two months after our wedding. 

Well, I have lived this long with a man I don’t even love.  I don’t know what I am going to do after my child is born.  And if Lloyd finds out that the child I am carrying isn’t his…I won’t know what to do.  Lucas’ child is all that is left for me to love.  Lloyd doesn’t truly love me.  If he did truly love me, he would be wrapping his arms around me right now and he would be watching me cook.  All he is doing is sitting in the family room and is reading the paper.

Sandra is working in the fields today.  I do not have her company in the kitchen while I cook Lloyd his breakfast.  She is the one who really taught me how to cook.  She is the one who really taught me how to be a wife and a lady.  That is why I put my trust and friendship into her.  Sandra and I have something beautiful together, and I want to keep it that way.  And Lloyd is not to know anything about the pink dress I gave to her.

“Did you have to catch the chicken this morning?” Lloyd surprises me as he walks into the kitchen. 

He walks up to me and wraps his arms around my waist.  His muscular arms support my back.  I actually get caught up in the moment and so I rest my head against his chest.  Lloyd turns me around and kisses me several times before looking me in the eyes.

“What is this I feel in your belly?” Lloyd asks dumbly.

Um…I think for a second.  “Your child,” I lie.

“What?” Lloyd is speechless.  “You’re pregnant?  My Tammy is pregnant with my child?”

“Are you alright?” I ask, not really worried but I’m acting like it.

“I am overwhelmed.  I, well, I don’t know what to say.  I am so happy,” Lloyd states, hugging me, and then kissing me.

“Lloyd, Lloyd, what on earth?” I actually laugh.

“You do not need to cook anymore today.  Today is a celebration,” Lloyd states, then runs outside to get Sandra.  “Sandra will do all of the chores today, and you are not to help her.  Today you can rest.  Well, goodbye, good luck, and I am off,” Lloyd kisses me on the cheek and then walks out the door. 

“What is the matter with him today, M’lady?” Sandra asks me, walking into the kitchen.

“He is excited about his child,” I say sarcastically.

“His child?” Sandra asks, just going along with my sarcastic joke.

“I guess,” I respond.  “What are we cooking today, Sandra?” I ask.

“Eggs, ham, potatoes,” Sandra answers.  “Now you just go sit down like Master Lloyd said, and I will do the cookin’.”

I do as Sandra requests.  Actually, I go up to my room and lay down on the bed.  Truly, I am exhausted from carrying this child.  I had to lie to Lloyd.  I had to tell my husband that this child is his.  But…when this child is born, he will notice that it will look nothing like him.  This child is going to look like Lucas, and if it is a boy, I will name him Luke, after his father.  And if it is a girl, I will name her Mary Sandra, after my mother and my best friend.

I really do wish, someday, that I will see Lucas again.  Lucas is my soul, my heart, and my love.  Without Lucas I am heartbroken.  But with Lucas I am full hearted.  I was heartbroken as soon as I said yes to Lloyd.  I could have said no to him, but then he and Aaron would have literally killed me.  Lloyd gives me nothing but a house, clothes, a bed, and hell.  Living with Lloyd is like hell because he makes me do all of the chores in, and outside the house while the slaves are working in the fields.  But, once in a great while, Lloyd will bring in Sandra and her daughter to help me with the house chores.