to your ex-boyfriend/love/crush
Dear Teddy:
We never truthfully broke up. You are just gone. You gave me some of the best 3 months of my life. You were the person who kept me alive while also the person who killed me. You gave me life and a reason to live. But when you died, a part of me died. And I started. You kept me from it. And once you were gone. I couldn't. I wish I realized what you were going to do. Then maybe you'd still be here. Or maybe I wouldn't feel as guilty. You told me. I didn't pay attention. You continued to help me. With something so stupid. Like hurting myself. While I was ignoring something huge. Like you dying. And I paid the price. You're not around anymore. And it's my fault. You were the first person who cared that much about me. Other people cared. But not that much. I have so much to thank you for. You kept me sane. Or at least as much as you could. You helped me through a new school year I was struggling with. I didn't have many friends in my classes. You gave me a purpose in life. You were the first person to trust me with anything that big. I was younger than you. I looked up to you. I trusted you. After you died I never thought I would meet someone that cared about me even half as much as you did. But I actually did. You would like them. I wish you could see me now. I'm getting better. Almost 100 days. I wish you were still here so you could see it would get better. I wish I would have been able to do more. But I can't exactly tell anyone about some of the stuff you told me, and then get you help. I mean. I'm across the country. I should have tried though. I. Should. Have. Tried. I could have done better. I'm sorry. I'm trying to help where I can now. We were talking about this in English "Think about someone you know who died. What was your last conversation? Do you think it was a good last conversation?" I said no. No it wasn't. I wish I could do it over. Then maybe it wouldn't have been a last conversation. Maybe. If I just. Tried. Harder.
Love,
payton
