to someone you wish could forgive you
Dear Tommy (Teddy's older brother):
I don't know why I wish you would forgive me. I deserve what you said to me. Your baby brother is dead. And it's all my fault. You told me he shouldn't have ever talked to me. That I'm the reason he's dead. And I am. I didn't kill him. But I didn't stop him. I tried to forget everything. I tried to forget about him. I didn't tell anyone about him until about a year after. I never told anyone what you said to me specifically. Not until now anyway. You and Allie were talking over each other. Allie was pretty quiet. And upset. But you. You were livid Tommy. Any other time I talked to you. You liked me. But that time you were fuming. At one point Allie got too upset and left for a minute. You screamed at me. You told me it was all my fault. And I still believe you to this day. Maybe if I just noticed. Maybe if I just cared a little more. Maybe if I told him I loved him. Maybe if I was prettier. Maybe if I was smarter. Maybe if I didn't focus on my problems. Maybe if I wasn't me. Maybe if I never talked to him. Maybe if I never existed. Maybe you would still have a little brother. Maybe you wouldn't be mad at me. Out of the group of people I want to forgive me, I chose you. I know I don't deserve forgiveness. You're baby brother is gone. Because of me. I just want to know you don't hate me. It's ok to be mad at me. But I'm sorry. I would switch places with him in a heartbeat. He didn't deserve to be bullied. He didn't deserve your parents. He didn't deserve the depression or anxiety. I didn't deserve him. I made it all worse. I know I did. I loved him though. I can't be positive that he loved me. He probably didn't. I think you're a great brother Tommy. You took care of Teddy and Allie. You were the oldest. And the bravest, as Teddy said. I don't think everyone here needs to know everything I knew about you and your siblings. But I know you protected Teddy and Allie ever since they were born. (for those of you who don't know Teddy and Allie were twins). September 19, 2002. Ever since then you were in big brother mode. Even though you were only a few years old. You were a good big brother and I admire you for that. You took it for Teddy and Allie. You were there for him when I wasn't. You were the first person he told besides me. He should have told you first. Then maybe he would still be here. No one should have told me anything like that. I just make it worse. I know you'd say the same. But please Tommy. (*glances toward dilltoast and broitscharlene * it hurt me too. but. I don't have another way to word it.) I hope you can be a little less mad at me.
love, payt
