Not Quite a Nurse

Coffee Club

Dang Girl!

"Try before you buy is all I am saying here," states this eighty something year old woman in the most unfortunately obvious wig, looking all mater jof fact pursing her bright red painted lips tightly while swinging her chin around like she is from the hood. Well she is. From the 'Lily-Valley Lane' hood that is. I see this resident down Lily-Valley Lane, the east wing of the assisted living section of our city's largest retirement village, often enough to know this here woman is on the prowl. It's a well-known fact that Lily-Valley Lane has the hottest new male arrival to the 'assisted living scene.' And from the way Madam Wigs is talking it up on my Saturday morning coffee break, she is aiming for a purchase!

Weekday mornings, and alternate Saturdays, I spend my time working at my P.S.W. gig as contracted extra help paid for by the government. I am here to make sure that high-risk patients have the extra attention long-term care employees don't have time for. That, and I fill in over at their assisted living building 'assisting' people in their morning routines. Basically, I have a list of people I am to kick out of bed between the hours of six and eight am. Then off into the community I go, assisting people in their homes. But on Saturdays, I stay here till after lunch hour and work with patients through out the retirement village.

These resident have varying degrees of physical limitations but generally need minimal help getting ready for the day. I assist with their A.M. care. Meaning, wake them up nicely, help them put together an outfit, all the washroom stuff I am sure most people would rather I leave unsaid, and basically just help with getting ready for the day ahead.

I have never had the pleasure of assisting Madam Wigs, but I am fully aware that her eyesight is very limited from our interactions here and there. She has no idea I am sitting beside the tall plant two tables over. I think I am blending into the scenery too well. Now, my eye sight is getting questionable in my mid forty's but I can still make out from this distance that she has forgotten her hearing aid she usually wears in her left ear, causing her to shout most of her gossip.

In a very loud whisper I hear her continue, "There is no way I am ever going to commit to another man unless I get to sample the merchandise before hand is all I am saying!" Wiggy is again swinging her chin around very emphatically. So much so, her Wig is now moving in the offbeat.

The other members of this nine A.M. coffee club are talking much quieter but I can still hear them making their 'Aha's' and their 'Mhmm's' and lady number two looking very well put together in some designer wool suit says leaning in, "Lennie helps me the odd morning. You know, in the morning?" then punctuates with a wink. With an upward chin motion of emphasizing the point she leans in closer but doesn't get any quieter and I hear her continue, "and I let him help me with evveerryyyything in the shower."

The other four members back up looking astonished. Gasps and 'Oh my's' all around the table and a lengthily time out of conversation is had. Coffee sipping while pondering over thoughts of this seem to go on a little longer than need be.

Lady number two puts down her mug and shakes her head repeatedly eventually adding while the others lean in to hear with mouths gaping "yes yes, thank God it's Friday every Friday now that Lennie started helping out!"

Now, I really don't have to see any patients for another half hour but I am starting to feel a little uncomfortable knowing these women have not intended for me to hear all this and also due to the fact that I know Lennie! Lennie works for the other healthcare agency that has placements in this huge facility. He's a whole-some married father of four, but very latin'ish.

He wears a loose body form hiding uniform like the rest of us but I can easily see him in Spanish matador outfit waving that red cloth around angering all the bulls in the area daring them to charge him to their defeat! And I wouldn't have ever thought this thought if it wasn't for the coffee club lady number three sharing this fantasy with the rest of the women who are hanging on to their coffee cups for dear life fearing if they loosen their grip they might fall off this fantasy joy ride.

I gotta get out of here before my thoughts of this kind man get even more tarnished. Lennie is actually a male nurse, but does this work for extra income saving for all his kids' post-secondary education.

Deciding I must make my move to retreat undetected so no one feels awkward; I quietly pack up my workbag, very very slowly. No sudden movements here. My back is to the front door which is also semi-covered by the same large plant. Picturing how this works in Sunday morning cartoons, all I need to do is tippy-toe backwards with the plant covering me and I can slip out the door with nooooooooobody seeing me.

It's simple. This is what I am attempting to do as I hear their snickers and spoons stirring freshly poured cups and moving them about on the table. I am so into my cartoon version of this escape running through my head that I do not hear the automatic door opening up behind me. I do however notice that cartoon me is losing plant coverage so I turn around sharply to make my run for it and @#SLAM*@ Waaaap!!!!... Just like in the cartoons, banging head to head with the matador himself. Lennie! Causing such a loud ruckus, everyone at the coffee club table stopped, gasped and stared! Wiggy dropped her purse she was retrieving from her walker basket loudly whispering, "Hot damn!"

Lennie, not knowing a thing of their conversation, is as cool as a cucumber. Me, not so cool. I stammer out any words to excuse myself but English seems to have escaped me completely and all I come up with is 'por favor.' Gasps from behind, confusion in Lennie directly in front of me and with nowhere for me to turn! So, 'Hell with it!' Shaking out my coat I have yet to put on, I then hold it out like I am asking for trouble in a bullring.

Then looking behind me I say, "Toro, Toro!" and then step aside allowing the very confused Lennie to pass on by. As he passes I turn to the coffee club lady's, stick my chin out and say "Oh yes I heard dat... and I went there!"

Gave them coffee sipping bittys something to talk about for at least the next month I did!!! Now, off to visit the next nice Peep I have on my list to assist today. Gosh, it's actually a 'shower assist' for Mr. Neal B. Well, I certainly am not going to be helping with evverrryyything, in this shower.

Not this Dang Girl!!!