The Chasing of Moons

I'd Catch A Grenade For You

The moment that Frank gets home the only thing he can think about is Gerard, which is not unusual. The only he thing thinks about anymore is Gerard, but this time it's painful and stinging. He thinks about what Gerard's probably thinking of him right now.

Gerard's mad at him, and he's right to be. Frank isn't the guy that Gerard deserves. Gerard is too good for him. He's so willing to have everyone know that he's gay, and then here's Frank. Frank's just this stupid, hopelessly in love guy who knows how his future with Gerard pans out and is still so afraid of it. He's afraid of not having it, and frank's also starting to realize that he's afraid of having it too.

What if in the future, he can't be as good to Gerard as he wants to be? What if he ends up hurting Gerard more than he does make him happy? What if Frank and Gerard are so hopelessly under the illusion of love that they never managed to actually find love? What if Gerard ends up deciding he doesn't actually want to be with Frank?

Frank's mind is flooded by too many what if's and he doesn't know what to do with them all. He doesn't know, and he hates it. Frank hates not knowing. He wants to know the end of this story, and the middle and every other part, but he doesn't. He knows only the important parts and doesn't know how to make those important parts truths.

But he also knows that if he and Gerard don't end up together, he could die, or he could kill Gerard. He wishes that he understood why they were so important compared to every other couple in the world. Why is it that Frank and Gerard's lives hang in the balance when no one else's do? Mikey and Pete don't have this dark cloud over their heads, why are Gerard and Frank the ones whose lives depend on each other?

Frank gets that it's not their relationship that is the cause of why they would die, it's the fact that going into the past is such a huge paradox for the universe to handle and if the goal that necessitated that time jump can't be reached than the universe has to compensate for it. He understands that, kind of, but what he doesn't understand is why he and Gerard wouldn't have ever met without him having met Gee.

Why is it that Frank would never have noticed Gerard if it hadn't been for that fling with the older version of him? Why was the Frank of two months ago so unbelievably stupid that he never looked twice at Gerard? Frank can feel his entire body screaming out for Gerard, but why is it that he needed a shove to get him to realize that?

Frank falls onto his bed, broken inside and feeling like he's been fighting in a war for several years. He never knew that loving someone would be so hard. He never knew that he himself would be the barrier standing between what he wants.

Because Frank does love Gerard. He loves him so much that he could never put it into words just how much he actually loves the man. Frank would step in front of a gun for Gerard. He would do anything if it meant keeping Gerard safe. He doesn't even care that he would end up getting hurt, he just cares too much. He cares so much for Gerard than he can't even handle it.

But Frank is still afraid of people knowing. He loves Gerard, he does so much, he loves Gerard so much that he doesn't have words for it. And he's still so afraid of people's opinions. He wants to believe that he loves Gerard so much that he's able to overcome anything, fear, doubt, the opinions of others, and he does so wish that that were true, but he knows it isn't.

Frank loves Gerard, but he doesn't know if he loves Gerard more than he's afraid of people judging him.

Frank could barely tell his two best friends in the world that he was gay. He could barely say it to the two people who he would honestly trust with his life. It took him a year to muster up the energy to say it to them. How can he be expected to tell the entire school? That's hundreds of kids, most of whom he doesn't know, but all of whom know of him. He'll be the gossip for the rest of the school year. He and Gerard will be the only thing anyone ever whisper in the halls about. He'll be the gay kid.