Matched

Chapter 11

I padded down the empty hallways, towel drying my hair. Russel was pounding on my door like there was no tomorrow. I had on a loose t shirt and pajama shorts. I was going to go to bed, but I guess not anymore.

“What?” I said once I opened the door. I took in Russel’s appearance; the same as when he left, his hair was just a tad messier and his face was a ton more pissed.

He didn’t speak, just pushed his way into the house. He paused in front of the counter, resting his clenched fists on his hips. I furrowed my brows as I cautiously stepped forward. I gently placed a hand on his shoulder.

“What’s wrong?” I whispered to him through the dark of the kitchen. The genuine concern in my voice surprised me.

“Why do you do this to me,” he muttered quietly. He cleared his throat. “You make me feel so little, so insecure. You know we’re meant to be together, but you still chose him. You still chose be his girlfriend. You don’t even want to try to be with me, do you?” He looked back at me accusingly. The hurt in his eyes was impossible to miss, but I still bristled. Of course I wanted to be with him!

“I really don’t know what you want me to say right now, Russel. Of course I want to be with you. Don’t even think for a minute I would chose anyone over you if we weren’t in this situation. All you care about is you, don’t you? You don’t even think for a minute that maybe I don’t actually want to be with Dillon. You don’t think I am disgusted with the fact that I have to fake it with him just so I can survive?” I scoffed. “You don’t think that every goddamn time I’m with him I think of you? Because I do. I do a lot and you know how dirty, how trashy that makes me feel? No? No. You don’t. So don’t even try to come in here and preach to me about what I’m doing wrong, alright? Because I know,” I paused, my hands clenched. I refused to look up at him. “Of course I want you, Russel. I honestly can’t believe you’d think I didn’t. And if you don’t see that, then maybe… maybe we have nothing worth fighting for.”

I crossed my arms over my chest, glancing up at him underneath my lashes. His face was blank, emotionless. It was silent for a minute.

“…What?” Russel asked. “Why would you say that? You know what Spencer, you really are a bitch.”

“Get out,” I spit out through my teeth and pointed to the door. “I don’t want to be around you right now if you’re going to just say nasty things to me.”

“No,” he declared, stepping forward and grabbing my wrists. He lowered his face to mine. “Of course we have something worth fighting for! God, can you not feel the energy when we touch? Don’t tell me you don’t feel your cat’s need for mine. You don’t think that’s enough?”

“Lust isn’t enough for me,” I whispered, shying away. He was too close, too aggressive.

“The feeling I get,” he lifted a hand to his stomach. “right here when I see you. The way you feel in my arms… I… I can’t even describe it. You make me so jealous sometimes. I’ve never been jealous in my life until it came to you. When I see you smile, I want to be the one that put it there. When I am, the only thing I want is to keep it there. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. And it’s scary because I know that I care for you, and not just because of my cat. I care for you a hell of a lot more than I care for myself. And I don’t know about you, but to me, that’s worth fighting for.”

“Please let go of me,” I begged, wrangling out of his grip, or at least trying to. A lump formed in my throat. It was true, it was all true. And I didn’t want it to be.

I was scared. Scared for my feelings towards Russel, what this confession would mean for us. What would we do now? There was no way, no possible way that we could stay in this pack if we caved into our desire for each other. There was no doubt that I had strong feelings for this boy.

“No,” he growled, gripping tighter. “No, Spencer. I’m not letting you go. Ever,” he whispered fiercely, his eyes searching mine. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat as a fresh wave of emotions came over me. “I love you.”

“Please don’t say that,” I choked out, picking up a new desire to flee from him. I heard the truth in his declaration, I felt my cat and my heart soar, begging me to say it back. But fear concurs all. Tears slipped down my face. “Let me go, Rus. Please.”

He didn’t let me go and I struggled more as he pulled me tightly against his chest. By now, I was full out flailing my body around. I managed to turn around, but his arms were like a steel band around me. He tangled his legs in mine, sending us falling backwards, where he hit a wall and slid down. I was completely restrained now.

So I gave up. I went limp in his arms as I broke down. Sobs racked my chest. This was the first pathetic crying break down I’d had in a while. All the fear, all the stress, and pressure, all of it. I let it out as Russel slowly just nuzzled the back of my neck as comfort, his arms and legs still wrapped around me. It was all I needed.

When I finally calmed down, there was no “are you okay?’s” or “better?’s”. After a moment of silence, which I’m sure Russel was making sure I wasn’t going to start again, he simply collected all of me in his arms and lifted me as if I were nothing. He set me on the kitchen counter where he handed me a warm rag and I wiped off the tears with it.

I probably looked pathetic.

When I dropped the rag in the sink, he picked me up again with no warning. Immediately I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my head into his neck, which caused him to grip me tighter. He walked up to my room, kicking the door shut before kicking his shoes off and climbing into bed with me. He radiated warmth and comfort and I soaked it all in as I drifted off, holding him tighter.

I loved this boy too.