TsukkiYama Stories

Dear Tsukki

Word Count: 1231

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"Dear Tsukki," the note read, "Today, I realized no one really cares about my happiness. They only care if I make them happy."

He was starting to ball his hands into fists, crumpling the side of the paper, did Tadashi really feel like that? Had he messed up that bad?

"Now, let me ask you: what is happiness?" Being with you, he thought, your smile, your presence.

"Is it ignoring me when I was feeling down? Is it accepting all my love, yet never giving any of it back? Is it leaving me for someone you just met two weeks ago? Is it ignoring my cries when I gathered up all my strength and begged for you to come back? Is it not saying even a simple "thank you" when I was there to cheer you up when he didn't?"

Kei felt his heart shatter, if you were watching, you would have been able to pinpoint the moment it did. For the first time in years, he was starting to cry. He wanted to burn the note, but he read on.

"To me, happiness is being there for someone, even if they don't love you back. Happiness is seeing someone else's happiness, even if they don't care about yours."

He did care about Tadashi's happiness, but was he really so scared to share his emotions that it hurt others, especially his best friend, the one he loved?

"But true happiness is something unobtainable, non-existent and so far away from me, I am but a mere star who watches on as others obtain the thing I desire. –Yamaguchi."

He could barely see by the end of it, his glasses were covered in his tears. He let out a small cry, ripping the note into pieces. He had never felt worse, he couldn't believe he had just made Tadashi feel like he was nothing, like he was nothing but a pillar of happiness for others. This wouldn't be an easy thing to fix, but he sure as hell was going to try his hardest.

He threw open the curtain to see it was still raining, but was him staying dry really more important? No, it wasn't, so he got up from his place on the floor and cleaned his glasses. He grabbed the closest jumper and pulled it over his head before running outside. Tadashi's house was only a few blocks away, it shouldn't take too long. He was so frantic to get there he almost got hit by a car, then a bicycle, but that didn't stop him. He went around to the back of the house and let himself in. The Yamaguchi household always had their back door open and they had said he was allowed in any time. He kicked his shoes off before looking around, the bathroom light was on so someone must have been home. He ran to the front of the house to go up the stairs. He was greeted by the long hallway, the one that used to be so cold when he first stayed here, but then became so warm and welcoming, just like how Tadashi's first impression had been on him. Other than being a cry baby, but that's a different story. He took his first step in the hallway, but it didn't feel warm or comforting, it felt miserable and unwelcoming. He knew this was his fault. He continued on through the hallway, coming up to a room right near the back on the left. You could only hear it when you walked up to the door, a faint sobbing coming from inside. He swung the door open to be greeted by a crying Tadashi in the corner of his bed. The light from the room felt like it was fading, getting darker every second. Tadashi's head slowly lifted to look at the figure, which only caused more tears when he knew it was him, the one that killed him inside.

"Tadashi?!"

Kei had never once in his life called him that, it had always been Yamaguchi, just like everyone else.

"What do you want?" He choked on a sob, putting his head back down.

"I'm sorry Tadashi. I'm sorry for treating you like you were nothing. I'm sorry for treating you like you were just the stars that made the moon shine brighter. I know sorry doesn't cut it, but I want to make it up to you, I want to show you that I really do care for you, that I really do love you."

"Do you really love me? Or do you just feel bad?"

The words were like poison that was slowly seeping in.

"Or do you just need me to cheer you up again?"

What was the point of poison if you could just have a knife stabbed right through your heart?

"I- Tadashi." He took in a large breath, "I do want you to cheer me up, but-"

"Get out," Tadashi had interrupted him, "I'm not for your personal use Tsukishima."

Another jab to the heart, it was always Tsukki, always. Not Tsukishima.

"But I want you to make me happy by making yourself happy."

He looked up at him. It hurt Kei to see Tadashi like this, a tear stained face. His freckles were a lot clearer since his face was pale. The tips of his ears and nose were red, he looked sick. He started to take small steps over to the bed in the far corner, which then became bigger before he was on it, crawling towards him.

"You being happy is what makes me happy, your happiness is so important to me. I'm sorry for shutting you out, but I was scared."

"Scared of what?" Tadashi spat back at him, "Scared that you would have no one left? Because it sure seemed like everyone wants to hang out with you, you don't need me, there are others that can do what I do but better, I'm replaceable." Another jab.

"I was scared of losing you Tadashi, I was scared that if I was to show my true colours, my real emotions, you wouldn't want to be with me."

There was a pain in his cheek before he realized he wasn't looking at Tadashi anymore, he had just been slapped by him.

"Not showing me your emotions made me feel like I was weak! And when you did show emotion it was sadness so of course I had to help you, but you never helped back! Whenever I was sad was when you showed them least! It made me feel like I wasn't enough for you, like I wasn't enough for anyone. You were the only one that would stay with me, it hurt to see you go, it really did."

He held his cheek and looked back at the boy, "I'm sorry," he choked on his sob. He saw Tadashi's face soften, was Tadashi about to put his happiness first? Again? He quickly wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close.

"Let me love you Tadashi. Let me try again, let me show you how I truly feel."

"And how's that?"

Kei looked down to see Tadashi looking up at him.

"Like this."

Kei cupped his cheeks in his hands and pulled his face up, also going down to make their lips meet for a kiss. One with true emotion and meaning.