Wicked Obsession

36.

Monday, August 5

The pounding in my head is merciless as the bright light burns my eyes. I look around me, trying to remember where I am or when it is. The past few days have felt like years and I have not seen sunlight until now. My worst nightmares have become a reality and I am not sure that I know who I am anymore. I can't remember much from the past few days, my mind locking the memories away to keep me sane, but I remember what I did.

I murdered him.

A fresh wave of anger and guilt rushes through me, threatening to tear me apart. I pull on the strands of my hair, trying to pull the memory from my head so it will stop replaying the scene over and over again. I didn't mean to— no, I didn't have a choice. It was either him or— and I- I. I can't even finish the thought because of how pathetic I am.

Of course I had a choice and just like the angel said, I chose wrong. I was played for a fool and manipulated by him from the very beginning. Why did I allow myself to feel this deeply for him? He found his way into my heart and then used it to make me his puppet. I'm such a goddam idiot and he's a fucking bastard. My anger returns briefly, a familiar emotion that feels like warm blanket against my frigid self loathing. How could he? I fucking loved him.

"Aye! Did you hear me?" A demon snaps at me from the foot of the bed. I keep my eyes fixed on the wall in front of me, not knowing or caring about what the fuck he just said. He snorts and grips my ankle tightly trying to throw me from the bed.

I instantly sit up and slap him with such force that he stumbles. "Don't ever touch me." I warn him, my voice low and unrecognizable.

I'm so fucking tired of people pushing me around. He looks furious but he knows better than to fuck with me. He grinds his teeth together and spits through them, "It's time to fucking go."

I roll my eyes in disinterest and lay back down, pulling my covers up over my head. Then just as quickly as my anger came, it leaves. Leaving me with the crushing reality of what is going to happen next. I close my eyes tightly, wishing I wasn't in this mess, wanting just for once to feel safe again, and most of all, to feel truly loved again.

"Hush, darling." My mother coos, stroking my cheek tenderly.

"Mommy, I'm scared." I tremble slightly as the smashing outside our apartment rages.

The bad men are back again. They always break things and hurt people but they haven't hurt us yet. Mommy says it's because her piano is magic and keeps the bad guys away. She always plays to me when I am scared. She plays the same song every time, it sounds sad but it keeps the bad guys away.

A loud bang thumps against the door and I flinch, burying my face in mommy's robe.
"Don't be afraid my love. Mommy won't let anything hurt you and you trust mommy don't you?"

I nod as she finishes the song and then turns to wrap me in her arms. She kisses my head softly and runs her fingers through my hair, rocking us gently back-and-forth.

"You're safe with me." She murmurs.

My eyes are heavy and when she starts to hum I close them. She picks me up, carrying me away from the danger lurking outside and I wrap my arms around her.

"I love you mommy." I mumble, kissing her cheek before resting my head on her shoulder again.

She squeezes me tightly to her for a moment before putting me into bed. She wraps my blanket around me and kisses my forehead. "Sweet dreams, my angel."