How to be a Proper Zombie

Being Neighborly: Asking before Biting

Being Neighborly: Asking before Biting

        Welcome to the first segment of this short book.  If you’ve turned to this section first, then you must have a problem with showing your emotions through biting and other actions.  Just because the movies show us as a rude bunch, doesn’t mean we have to fulfill their stereotypes.  As members of the undead, we must break from our cliché, violent demeanor and show those humans that we have feelings too.

        This means, before brutally attacking your friends and family and probably sending them into fits of hysterics, talk to them.  We members of the undead all know we’re perfectly capable of using words.  We’re all big boys and girls, so let’s show that we can talk.

Instead of biting your loved ones (an action we all regret later on), how about letting them know you’re okay.  Sure, you’ve got a little blood on you, your brains are missing and you’ve got a hankering for some delectable flesh, but you’ve still got your heart (that is, unless a zombie ate that, then I’m not sure how to help you).  Some sayings that have been Okayed by both members of the undead and living are:

·         “Woah, did you see that?  Man, that zombie totally owned me!”

·         “Yo, I’m all good, just a little hungry for flesh.  How about a game of tag?  I’ll give you a forty second head start.”

·         “Dude, I got such a craving for some brains.”

By warning your loved ones, you’ve shown that you genuinely care about them and don’t want to eat their delicious internal organs . . . yet.  Always give your family and friends more time to run away from you (it hurts, but it’s for their safety).  Eating your mother five seconds after you’ve changed isn’t a nice way to thank the woman who brought you into this world.

However, you’re probably wondering what the rules are for snacking on people you don’t know.  Like the title of this chapter states, simply ask before you dig in.  Since they were never close to you, you don’t have the expected delay for snack time like you do for family.

Some ways to ask your neighbors (or any other strangers) for a small bite are:

·         “Hello, I’m awfully hungry; do you still need that arm?”

·         “Hi, my name’s [your name here].  Now that we’ve met, I’ll give you a twenty second head start before I eat you.”

·         “Mind donating some brains to the [your name here] foundation?  Zombies have to eat too!”

The only thing that’s completely unacceptable for the undead population to do is munch without permission.  By torturing without requesting, you’re once again only feeding to the rumors that the zombie population is a rude bunch.

Hopefully this chapter on the courtesy of snacking has helped you with your own personal life.  And the two most prominent things you should’ve taken from this chapter are: family and friends deserve warning and a head start and you should always ask before you snack.