How to be a Proper Zombie

Moaning: The times it's appropriate and the times it isn't

Moaning: The times it’s appropriate and the times it isn’t

Now this segment seems rather obvious, however for all you noobs out there, this is for you.  As you’ve learned, you can speak.  Though most of the time, you choose to moan, groan, squeak, squawk and babble nonsense.

You may be wondering why you make so many sounds compared to speaking constantly like you used to.  You see, young zombie, there is a simple explanation.  And that explanation is, those noises are hilarious!  Have you ever noticed how much you chuckle at yourself when making those moans?

It’s because it is funny.  As simple-minded, brainless brethren, we don’t have much of an attention span.  And the little attention we do have is usually spent on these three topics:

·         Food and where to find it

·         Squirrels and that funny surprised face they make when they find a nut

·         Making fun noises

But, like most fun things, there’s a time to do them and time to refrain yourself, no matter how difficult.  And I’ve conducted a small lists of the times in which these noises are appropriate to use.

However, before I show you that list, I’d like to delve into the history of the moan.  After all, wouldn’t you like to learn how your favorite noise started?  Alright then, let the lesson begin.

The first moan came from the famous Neanderthal, Alexander Harrington.  He was the first being to make a full moan without going into a grunt like his people around him and his ancestors before him.

Because of Harrington’s discovery, man then learned how to form words and left the moaning to us zombies.  That’s perfectly fine, less fun for them, more for us!

Now that you know where your entertaining sounds originated, I can show you the list of times appropriate.  These times all depend on where you live, whether you’re in a rural or urban area or which time zone you live in.  You can alter these times to the place you’re located in.

Times that moaning/groaning/squeaking/squawking etc., is appropriate:

·         Any time after 8:00 in the morning, by then most people have gotten a nice amount of sleep and are well rested for the day ahead of them.  I’d say it would be okay for you to be able to make noise.

·         When something makes you happy.  Everybody squeals when delighted!

·         When you’ve hurt yourself, oh that shot through the knee cap deserves a groan.

Times in which making noises are not okay:

·         Nighttime, your sounds only give that poor little three year-old down the block nightmares.  What if that was your kid instead?

·         When chasing down prey.  Come on, you're already going to eat them, don’t make them any more scared!

·         When you wish to object.  Excuse me, was that an objection I hear?  I’m sorry I couldn’t understand you over all the squawk-squawk-squawking over there.