How to be a Proper Zombie

How to Deal With the Ugly: When You're Left Heartbroken

How to Deal With the Ugly: When You're Left Heartbroken 

This book can't solely focus on how to get the human (or zombie), you need to learn how to deal with heartbreak too. That is, if you still have a heart, otherwise I'm not sure how to help you.

That being said, put down that tub of icecream and start reading this chapter, Zombie.

So, they turned out to be a gold digger and only stuck around because of the vast food supply you had. Well, assuming that the dumper was a zombie. If they were a human, then can you honestly blame them? They probably weren't ready to settle down and wake up to a half decomposed body every morning. Humans are so immature.

First of all, don't be like every other dumpee and feel sorry for yourself. That act gets old and in Zombieland, no one gives half a brain. Open up the drapes, turn of the zelevision and get back out there.

I understand that you need time to heal what has been broken, but when healing time is all the time, you know its time for a change. Did you follow that? No? Well let me explain further.

The point is: love stinks. And when you're a zombie, it literally does.

Therefore, I've conducted a list of things the heartbroken should do to feel better. Mainly, you just need to get out of the house, because being cooped up for too long isn't good for anybody.

I know I make a lot of lists in this booklet, but this one can be considered one of my finest.

The first step to recovering from a tough break-up:

As I stated before, open up the blinds in your home and let the sun shine in. Staying in the dark shadows is just sad and a little creepy. Scratch that, a lot creepy. What the heck are you doing in the dark? Wallowing in your pain and sorrow? That's why you're reading a 'How To' book on how to get the girl.

I'm getting off track.

After you've basked in the glory that is sunshine (I recommend only spending about five or ten minutes doing so, otherwise you'll start to rot and just no), start cleaning your home. It depends on how long you've been locked up in there, but knowing you and knowing how rotten meat smells, you're not going to get lucky if your house smells like something died in there.

Also, in a more metaphorical sense, cleaning your home could be seen as a fresh new start.

Step two in how to forget about the loser who broke your heart:

 It's their loss! I'm sure you're a great person... you have a wonderful sense of style... well, you were good enough for someone at some point, so you might as well go flaunt what your mama gave you.

Remember, there's strength in numbers, so head out for a night on the town with a couple of your friends. You can groan all about the butthead who ripped out your heart and shattered it to pieces as well as hit up your wingman for some help on the love front.

Some say cheesy pick-up lines don't work, but put them to the test. See it this way: when your wingman's a zombie, you want to use anything and everything to your advantage.

That being said, it's time to brush up on your picking-up skills. I've already included a few appropriate lines that are sure to please:

- Hello, I'm a theif and I'm here to steal your heart. Literally.

- Can I get a bite of that?

- Are you a pirate? 'Cuz I want your booty.

After you've hooked them, you're ready for step three in the heart healing process.

Finally, step three:

Do it all over again.

Except who knows, perhaps this time he or she will be a real winner. If not, just repeat steps one through three until you do find your special someone to spend eternity with.

I wish you the best of luck in your recovery.

Ta-ta for now, little Zombie.