How to be a Proper Zombie

The Forbidden Fruit: Dealing with love for the living

The Forbidden Fruit: Dealing with love for the living

        So you’re in love with the cute human next door?  Don’t worry, every zombie has been there.  It’s an eternal battle inside, however.  Do you simply admire her from a far, wanting to stay far away so you don’t scare her or do you munch on her beautiful face and hope that you’re her type in the zombie future?

        Formally known as Shakespeare (now a zombie resident in West Philadelphia), wrote the famous words, “to be or not to be, that is the question.”  Hamlet, I believe.  If not, it’s not of much importance, seeing as we’re all members of the undead now and only have time to read this small book.

        Anyways, those words describe this situation very well.  And it all boils down to one question, do you love her enough to set her (or him, for the lady zombies) free?  Or do you long to create a zombie family?

        Don’t speak to your love interest (I can speak? See ‘Being Neighborly: Asking before Biting’), instead write a letter.  By using the old pen and paper tactic, not only do you appear romantic, but you also are able to warn this human that you are in fact a part of the undead colony.

        A few sample letters would look like these:

“Dear [insert their name here],

        You don’t know me, yet.  My name is [insert your name here].  I am a member of the zombie specie, and I feel like you should know this before you meet me.  Why am I writing this letter to you?  It seems that while I’ve been doomed to wander this earth without my jaw bone or a second hand, I’ve fallen in love with you.

        I need you to know, that I live across the street from you and often peer out the window to sneak a peek at your beautiful face.  Too much?  I apologize, see, I’m rather shy and don’t want to frighten you by walking over and introducing myself formally.

        I’ve seen how you’ve treated my brethren and prefer that you don’t do that to me, so I’m stuck admiring you from a far.

        I’m okay with continuing to love you from a distance, however if you wish, I can turn you into a zombie as painless as possible so you may join me in this everlasting curse.  Together, we can lead an invincible zombie family and watch Happy Z-days each night in front of the Zelevision.

Sincerely, [insert name here]”

Now for a less stalker-ish approach:

“Hey [their name here],

        My name’s [your name].  I’m writing because I’m afraid of frightening you away with my appearance.  See, I’m a zombie.  Now before you start freaking out that I want to eat your brains, I want you to know that I’m not like that.

        In fact, I haven’t snacked on some delectable human meat for three days.  Three days?  This is ridiculous!  I need brains!  Or at least some flesh.  Scratch that.  By the time you receive this letter, I’ll probably have eaten a few humans (because our relationship should be based on honesty).

        Anyways, the whole reason I’m writing to you is to let you know I’ve been studying you for the past few days.  May I say that you’ve got quite the junk in the trunk?  I’m getting off track.  I want you to know (before some other zombie hunk snatches you away) that I like you and would love to get to know you.

        How about dinner at my place?  Don’t worry, you won’t be dinner.  Actually, I was thinking about pot roast?

Sincerely, [your name]”

               

                I wish you the best of luck in your quest to find love in these times.  Hey!  Name your first zombie child after me, why don’t you?  After all, you wouldn’t have gotten here without my help!