Fix Me | Phan High School AU

Chapter Twenty

A/N: SURPRISE CHAPTER MOFO

I'm on thanksgiving break so hopefully that means more updates. *wink wonk*

***If I did a character/author Q&A at the end of the story, would you ask questions? I want to do one when I finish this but I don't want to have like five questions.***

A page from Phil's journal

Dear thin piece of dead tree,

Sorry I haven't written in a while, there's been a lot going on. I don't feel like going into depth, but to sum it up:

Dad hit and killed a woman while driving drunk, nearly killed me, then we both went to the hospital where he nearly killed me again, now I'm living with Dan Howell who I have forgiven and kind of have a major crush on. Whoops.

But that's not what I want to talk about right now. My depression is getting bad again. After my attempt I had several months of counseling, and my mental health got a lot better. I've been clean for around four months now, but I'm not sure how long I can keep it up. I haven't slept well for almost a week. I thought that maybe once I settled in to my new home, I would be able to get back to my normal self, but I don't think that's the case. During the day I put my self in a sort of box, I don't think about any of the crap that has happened the past few weeks, I walk around smiling and laughing like everything is fine. As the night grow closer the box falls apart and I don't just acknowledge these memories, I dissect them. I've replayed each one in my mind a hundred times, picking out every way I messed up or missed an opportunity to do something right for once.

I'm scared, it's like all of the sudden all I feel is panic, sadness, and nothingness. Well, I guess that's not completely true, there are moments where I feel happy, or at least some form of happiness. Like when Dan and I were swinging and we sat out beneath the stars, or when I can hear Dan quietly playing the piano (which he does often). In those moments I felt a sort of hopeful joy.

As unfortunate as it is, I can't live in these memories. So instead I sit on my bed, trying not to relapse or have a panic attack.

I've contemplated going to Dan on several occasions, he did tell me I could talk to him. But how do I explain what's wrong when I don't even know myself?

I've got to go take a shower now, I'll write to you later.

-Phil

Dan's POV

"It's Sunday, Meaning we have school tomorrow, meaning we must have as much fun as possible today," I announced loudly as I walked into the lounge.

Phil looked up from his phone. "What are you suggesting?"

"I am suggesting that we order food and build a pillow fort," I looked at Phil with a dead-pan expression. "Shall we?"

Phil was obviously trying with great difficulty not to laugh. "We Shall."

...

About an hour later the living room was filled with pillows and blankets and a man with a box of pizza was at the door.

"Enjoy!" The delivery man said as he took his money.

"I'm sure I will." I muttered as I took the box from him.

"Say uh, are you seeing anyone?" The man asked, appearing hesitant.

I looked at the guy in shock. He was probably a few years older than me, and was quite attractive, no denying it, but what really surprised me was that I didn't know how to answer his question. Was I seeing anyone?