Fix Me | Phan High School AU

Chapter Twelve (Filler)

A/N: So, sorry for all the stuff that has been going on lately, I know I can be a bit irritable. It's really weird, like its like anxiety, where I am stressing about small things, but I feel like it is not bad enough to actually be anxiety???

Do y'all know what I'm talking about? Its kind of like if you're drowsy, and nodding off, but not actually asleep: even though you are very tired, and not fully conscious, you are still awake and not asleep. Idk if that made sense ;-;

But I want to thank you all so much as everyone who has commented has just been so supporting and stuff.

So thanks.

Wow, don't I have a way with words.

Anyway, this chapter is short, but you know, I just felt I needed to upload something since it has been a while :/

Three months later. (Phil's POV)

I honestly don't know whether things have gotten better, or worse.

I got out of rehab a few days ago, and since then my dad has been much more abusive. It's strange, I never really thought about what would happen if he found out my suicidal tendencies. I think I just kind of assumed he would feel guilty and be nicer to me from then on.

Turns out he thinks that having a son who is not only a faggot, but also a depressed suicidal teen is the worst thing that could happen to a "respectable" man like himself.

My Mum had stopped by several times. It was quite a shock to me, seeing as the last time I saw her for more than an hour was well over six months ago. She cried a bit, asking over and over why I had tried to do this. I didn't have much of an answer for her.

Most of the time she visited we were just catching up with what had been going on in the other's life. Finally, after several hours of small talk, I veered the conversation to the topic of my father.

"Has dad ever hit you?" I had asked quietly, meeting my mum's eyes.

Her only response was a sad sigh and an understanding look. And that was enough for me.

She didn't visit again.

My time alone, although quite boring, really helped me think about my life, and what I wanted to do with it.

One of these things was the realization that I did not want to die.

I didn't necessarily like my life, but now I was stuck in between a battle of not wanting to exist but not wanting to die either.

It was quite frustrating.

The one thing I was left unsure about was what to do about Dan.

I still loved him.

I didn't necessarily like him, but I loved him.

If you have never had those feelings towards someone, you can't understand how much they suck. In a way, it's kind of like an argument between your brain and your heart. (A/N: Well, technically between your emotions and your common sense, seeing as the heart has no function whatsoever that involves emotions or thoughts. But that's beside the point.) Even though your brain knows that this person has hurt you, and deserves nothing from you but hatred, your heart can't let go of the love that you feel for them. It can't stand to believe that someone you once cared for so deeply could ever hurt you this much.

I thought back to Dan and I's first kiss. He had been so sweet... It was almost impossible to believe that just a few days later he was yelling about how much he hated me... I let out a sigh, pushing the thoughts to the back of my head. I really needed to stop thinking about him; I needed to concentrate on me.

Speaking of thinking about myself, I really needed a shower.

Post shower

I stepped out onto the bath rug, dripping wet, and pulled a towel around my waist.

Reaching for the clothes I had laid out, I noticed the soft glinting of a blade on the counter.

For a fleeting moment I was filled with panic, but then I seemed to go completely numb. I reached out for the metal, a sense of realness washing through me as my skin came in contact with the side. Picking it up between my fingers, I held it out in front of me, almost unaware of what I was doing. I brought my hand down, loosening my grip.

A soft splash sounded as the awful thing landed in the toilet.

Before I had any second thoughts, I flushed it.

I watched as the water swirled around, the razor occasionally glinting, as if it were winking at me. Finally, the water stilled, and I was left standing in front of the toilet, slack-jawed.

I didn't know I was crying until I felt a tear drip down my chin and on to my chest. It took me a minute to understand why this was happening. But when I did understand, it hit me like a wave.

The war between my heart and my mind was coming to an end, and it looks like the outcome might end up being less bleak then I had thought.

A/N: wow, that was really cheesy and kind of sucked.

Oh well

Hope you guys liked it

Also, what would you think of me posting an actual story? Like one that I made up, not a fanfiction.

Would anyone read it?