Fibre Mortem: Rhesus Factor

23

I lie awake next to a peacefully slumbering and satisfied Nathan. There's nothing left to cry out and I feel dirty. I lost my v-card to Nathan and while in the throes of doing the nasty, it felt good. We're no longer in the moment now though and I'm regretting everything I did tonight.

I slip out of his bed as quietly as I can because I don't want to be near anyone right now. I'm at the lowest of lows and processing the consequences of my own actions is nothing light to handle.

As I slip out of the room I run into a brick wall of chest, "Oh--sorry."

"Well, well, well," Says the voice connected to chest and I instantly shudder. It's Sean/Shane--whatever the hell his name is, "Look at what the cat drug in. If I'd known you were that easy, I'd have tried to get into your pants."

I smack him. I haul off and smack the shit out of him. It's on impulse but it's highly satisfying standing there as he clenches his jaw out of anger toward me.

"What is your name? I can never remember it, I figure that's because I can't actually put any sort of name on someone so vile," I try to come off as a smartass but I'm still upset about what he said and what I've done in the room behind us to actually sound that way, instead I come out nervous, meek.

He grins, a grin that has chills racing up my spine and creepies crawling all over my skin when he rakes his eyes over my body. I fight the urge to gag because he's downright a creep and I don't like feeling so defiled by just a gaze.

I try to step out of the way but he closes in and blocks my escape, "Do you want to be smacked again? Because I have--"

The air leaves my body when his hands close over my airway. I fight desperately to inhale but it hurts and it leaves me lightheaded. I feel like maybe I'm floating, getting closer to blacking out, or maybe it's just because my feet are dangling in the air that I feel this way.

Wide-eyed I look into his cold eyes, he sneers at me. "You may be everyone's favorite around here because of your father, but make no mistake, there are some of us who wish you harm in the most creative of ways." As he says this he slides his free hand up my body and clamps down onto my breast and he finishes the assault by pinching my nipple extremely hard.

I try to cry out but it's choked because of his massive around my neck. Just as fast as it's happened, it's over and I fall into a crumpled heap on the floor sucking in hard, ugly breaths that my body couldn't get before.

He roughly nudges my body with his booted foot, "That's much better, that's where I like seeing you, maybe next time you'll be on your knees for a different reason Slut." He booms with laughter and leaves me an even bigger mess than I was before.

If I'd felt that I had nothing left to cry about before, I was mistaken. I was dead wrong. I sit there sobbing, snot and tears mixing together because of how dirty I feel all over. Innocence has died here today and now I'm a victim of everything that's happened and I feel much smaller than I've been.

I scramble up and take off running toward the showers where I barricade myself in before anyone else has the chance to abuse me. I'm frightened for the first time in a long time and I hate how it makes me feel. I'm helpless, hopeless. I'm nothing.

I strip down into nothing and crank the water as hot as it can be and I sit under it's powerful feeling as it washes me, cleanses me from all of the ugliness I feel. I'm afraid to leave this spot of tranquility because I know if I do, everything is going to return and leave me feeling impure all over again.

I leave, before anyone can intrude on me and break what little wall left I have of myself and I hide in Reese's room, in the dark and cry myself to sleep. I won't think about anything today, I won't do anything. I need to break and that's what I'm doing, where I'm doing it at is where I feel safest. Reese made me feel safe and now that he's been ripped from me, I'm vulnerable.

I don't know how much time passes before there's a knock at the door, partly because I've passed out and been crying but I don't answer it. I don't want anyone coming in, this is my sanctuary and I don't want anyone to break it. So I turn into Reese's pillow and suck in his scent for comfort.

"Lively," it Nate and I don't want to look at him, I don't even want to hear him, "please justs let me in. I realize last night probably wasn't the best time to--uh--shit, Liv I'm no good at this stuff. Please let me in."

When I don't answer he hits the door and it causes me to panic and scream. I'm back in the moment where Sean--that's his name, has me pinned against the wall, hurting me into submission. I'm no longer fighting enemies in the present.

I'm growling like a rabid animal and clawing, kicking, biting someone I can't see and then I'm out of it, and it's Nate that I'm physically hurting. I suddenly stop and start sobbing all over again.

He looks at me and then sees what I think is probably the aftermath of Sean's painful attack. "What happened? Who did this to you?! Was it Reese because I'll--"

I shake my head no and he softens, he pulls me into his lap and there he holds me, trying hard to calm me, to put my fears to rest. He's stroking my hair and murmuring about when he first met me when I finally stop.

He tries to break away but I clamp down on him, "Please," start choking up all over again, "Please don't, stay right here." Because I need him now, I can't be here alone anymore and whatever he's doing is working.

He kisses the top of my head and then swoops us up together and leaves. There are people around now, trying to see what's happened but it feels like too much to watch them watch me curiously so I turn my head into Nathan's chest and close my eyes tightly.

I'm not aware of us being in his room until I hear the door close and feel us shift back into a sitting position. He pulls me away from him and we stare at each other for some time before he asks, "What happened?"

At first, I shake my head and try to keep from saying anything but he looks at me like he's worried and he promises he won't tell anyone. So, I spill about everything. How I'd left to go reflect on what we'd just done together, Sean, the shower and then finding my way to Reese's room.

He looks down, I don't know what's going through his mind but he looks..sad. I almost want to ask him what he's thinking but shoot it down and just sit there silently. He pulls us down into a laying position and starts rubbing my shoulders, my hair.

It's working because I feel all of the hurt, the anger, the worthlessness pull away and my eyes start drooping. He whispers, "Shh, now. I'm not going anywhere and I'm not going to do anything, never Lively, without your permission. Ever again. You're safe. You're safe."

I visibly relax against him and surrender to the pull of unconsciousness. My dreams don't leave me any peace but they aren't nearly as traumatic, in fact, there's a piece of comfort when I see my mom, well my mom before the virus.

She smiles at me, her eyes lit up with love and she says something. At first, I can't make it out because her voice is muffled but then little by little her words become clear. "Trust him."

That's all she says and when I call out for her to elaborate, she turns and walks into a misty, white light. She's just left me more confused now than ever. Who am I supposed to trust? What am I supposed to trust him with?

I wake a start, not knowing where I am, I blink and realize I'm in Nathan's room but Nate is nowhere to be found. Emotionally, I'm a little more stable than I was before I fell asleep, but I'm not prepared to step out of this room so I lie there, huddled under his worn flannel blanket.

I remember my mom from the dream again and it makes me wonder, am I supposed to trust Nathan? Is that what my brain was telling me? A part of me does trust him to an extent, because why else would I be here, why would I have let him comfort me in one of my most darkest hours?

But do I trust him in the way that I think my mom--er brain meant? Can I trust him with something really important, that took Reese months and months of work to accomplish? Can Nathan chip away at the armor I wear protecting my heart?

Can I trust him enough to love him? That's what my mom meant.

Can I?