Fibre Mortem: Rhesus Factor

14

I could feel the lack of air as I pushed the pillow into my face and screamed. I screamed for every frustration that I'd felt that day, I screamed for my lack of being tired even though I felt tired. I screamed into the pillow because I just didn't have it in me to scream at Reese.

I wanted to blame him, call him every name in the book. Why had he felt compelled to say those things? He was so... indifferent. Someone was dying and he was dispassionate towards their hurt, their pain.

I understood that Nathan was an ass, but it didn't mean I wanted him to die for it. He was still human, still capable of thought, of communication. Though at times I wished he wasn't so vulgar, part of it felt endearing. Like, when a kid acts mean when they actually like this person. He was hiding something.

No longer able to sit still, I threw the blanket off of me and got up to walk again, much like I had the night when Reese and I began to understand each other a little more and part of wished that we could back to that night and start over. Part of me didn't.

I exited my room, that place no longer feeling like home. It was no longer my sanctuary. I knew where my home was, but I couldn't go there. Home didn't even feel like home. Reese didn't feel like home anymore. I longed to lie there next to him, but I knew that if I did, I'd also want to take my pillow and put it on his face for being such an ass.

Instead, I walked around aimlessly. Just trying to clear my thoughts that ran rampant in my brain. The wee hours of the night are when your thoughts start taking turns being rational and then irrational. I think it's because of the lack of sleep.

I'd let my mind wander to everything. Flashbacks to childhood, when everything was still safe. Possibilities for the cure, that didn't even seem plausible now that I recall them. My father before he seemed like Satan himself. I missed these things, but if these all hadn't been ripped from me, I wouldn't know Reese.

I needed to get my feelings in check, lately, every decision seemed to be made with an emotional response. I hated that, I was always the stickler for making rational decisions. I told everyone not to be swayed by them. So why was I doing this to myself?

The answer was simple. I was in love and confused because I wasn't sure with whom I was in love with either.

Seems like a big bomb, right? Well, imagine me, thinking that exact thing in that moment and wanting to just jump off the building because of it.

Reese. Reese was so many things to me. He's shown me so many things, and not just physical lessons, there were lessons taught through emotions, through acceptance and patience.

Nathan? I couldn't even explain that one to myself, let alone anyone else. It was like being touched by someone, a stranger and having this feeling of deja vu, like you'd known this person your whole life.

During my mindless wander, I finally became aware of my surroundings when I came down the hallway my father blocked off for himself. I hadn't even realized that this was where I needed to be, but something was telling me I needed to be here.

As a scientist, we don't really think about impulses or intuition as a thing of truth. We leave emotions at the door so that we don't tilt the experiment toward a biased result. I couldn't explain when that all changed but tonight, whether it be from lack of a good night's sleep or something else, I was listening to these gut feelings like they were the end all, be all.

Call it fate or what have you but I was glad I listened to them, because if I hadn't. Nothing would have changed for me. Nothing.

Thankful that Reese had taught me stealth, I was able to sneak up to my father's door and listen to muffled conversation. I couldn't make out everything that was being said, but I gathered that they were getting ready to go look at something.