Welcome Home (Phan)

Three

24th March, 2016

Dear Dan,

I can't stop thinking about you. You're constantly on my mind. I know, it's cheesy. Kind of ironic considering I hate cheese, hey?

I wish you were here, Dan. I miss you like crazy. I genuinely hope you're okay. I hope you're alive and smiling that absolutely beautiful smile, the dimple on your left cheek becoming prominent. I hope you come home and you're still...you're still you. Because it's you I...never mind.

Anyways, I hope this reaches you and you can read it somewhere safe. If you can't, don't. I guess it's too late to point that out now though.

Please stay alive. Don't try and be more brave then you already are. People need you here.

I need you.

Come back,
Phil

I placed the pen down on my wooden desk. I leaned back in my black office chair and yawned. I was exhausted.  I haven't slept in about a week.

The first night was somewhat easy, it was almost as though I could pass it off a nightmare but now that's it been over a day...it's harder. I'm tired but I can't sleep. It just won't happen. I think it's normal though, I hope it's normal. I should tell mum...maybe. Probably not. I haven't talked to her since he left. Well, unless you want to count the little "Hello" that we exchange whenever we see each other whilst we're trying to find something or walking into the kitchen to search the fridge and various cupboards for food.

I folded the paper that was filled with pointless words in half and tried to find an envelope which I'm sure was in my room somewhere. I had only bought it yesterday. What the hell? Frantically, I searched. Throwing everything on the floor and onto my bed. I didn't care if I was making a mess. I needed that envelope. I needed this letter to get to Dan. I needed him to know I still cared and I miss him.

Shit, come on....come on where is it?

No no no no no no no...

I was darting around my room. If anyone walked through my bedroom door they'd most likely walk right back out, I swear I looked like a mad man.

In defeat, I threw one last pencil onto my carpeted floor and slid down my off-white wall until I felt my hands meet the soft, grey carpet. I grabbed at it, hoping it would keep me anchored and that it might be able to bring me some comfort. It didn't. Of course it didn't. The only thing that could bring me any kind of comfort or release or something that wasn't Dan was crying. My head already hurt and my eyes were already rubbed raw from my hands wiping tears away constantly but it's become the only thing I know how to do anymore.

With my knees close to my chest, my arms wrapped loosely around my lower legs, hands clasped together and my head resting on top of my bony knees, I cried. It only started as a slow rolling of tears, just a stream not an entire ocean. It wasn't meant to be much. Then again, control isn't something I'm too familiar with.

I fell to the left, my head missing the bedpost. I was still holding my knees. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears and my throat...my throat was aching. I wasn't even aware I was screaming. I was a mess. Screaming, sobbing, flailing.

Pull yourself together, Phil. For Dan. Come on.

The thought of Dan brought on more tears. I think this is where I'm sleeping tonight. At least the floor is kinda comfortable to lay on.

"Goodnight, Bear." It came out as a bunch of syllables to smashed together to create a deformed version of a simple word but it was enough. It would've been enough for him so it's enough for me.