Welcome Home (Phan)

Six

Phil's POV

August 12th, 2012

'Kiss me hard before you go, summertime sadness.'

It's Day 5 of Dan being gone. Even though it's only been five days, it still feels like it's been so much longer. I guess it depends on how you look at it, right? I mean, five days is the same as one hundred and twenty hours or over seven thousand minutes. Compared to the time we spent together, that is minuscule. However, compared to the sum of time we've spent apart, seven thousand minutes pummels it to the ground. Five. Days. It's only been five days and I'm already caving. I don't think anyone should feel the way I do right now, that's not a cry for pity or sympathy or anything like that. I just don't want anyone to go through the pain and heart ache of not knowing whether someone they deeply is going to return.

It's not fun, you know? Constantly asking yourself questions about their well-being. Are they sleeping okay? Are they eating? How hydrated are they? What if they're injured? All of which can't be answered. This has to be classed as a form of torture. That's what I'm calling it anyways.

I guess the reason I started writing in this old, empty notebook I found from a few years ago is to just...have an outlet. Somewhere to metaphorically scream and cry rather than worrying my family and inducing multiple headaches. I think it'll work. I have a feeling Dan would've liked me to find ways of coping until he came home. If he comes home. I suppose that kind of mentality won't get me anywhere...it's kind of hard to snap myself out of though.

I've been listening to some new music lately as anything I used to listen to reminded me of the boy I missed so dearly. I've actually locked away my Muse CD's in a box because listening to the tracks hurt too much. Surprisingly, I've gotten into Lorde's first album. I like her sound quite a bit. Arctic Monkeys album that was released this year (I know it came out in September but just...roll with it) is quite good too. I'll listen to almost anything, music distracts me from my thoughts in a sense. It's nice for a short three and a half minutes.

"Phil! Sweetheart, I have to run out to get a some things. Will you be alright for a few?" My mother yelled from below my room. It was kind of her to tell me that she was leaving for a bit. I like being told those kinds of things.

"Okay, Mum! Yeah, I'll be fine! Be careful!" I managed to yell back, not taking my eyes of the page I was scrawling on. I was hoping she wouldn't come up here. My room was an utter mess. It was in tatters really but it was something I could relate to. I'll clean it eventually, there's no rush really. I put the pen back onto the lined page and continued writing.

I can't be bothered being angry nor upset anymore. I'm just tired, exhausted actually. I sleep, yes, but it's not the kind of sleep someone needs and craves when they're tired. My eyes close, my breathing slows and I lose consciousness but I'm not resting. I'm just passing time. It's beginning to show too. The purple, misshapen semi circles under my eyes have deepened. I've been told I've become quite irritable which is most likely the truth. I'm finding it increasingly harder to focus in class and I'm always making the most ridiculous mistakes. I'm actually surprised I've made it this far without any spelling mistakes in simple words like 'because' and all that. Maybe I spoke too soon, I am trying my very best to concentrate though.

I think that's all I really want to get out right now. I'll probably be back quite soon. Why am I talking to you like you're an animate object? Maybe...maybe you can be Dan for a little. Dan without the adorable dimple, gleaming smile, warm eyes, the pushes and light punches, the sarcastic remarks or eye-rolls. You can be Dan without being Dan if that makes any sense.

Anyways...that's it.

I miss you. I miss you to the point of no return.