The Cupid Helpline | ongoing

#2

dylan | tahlie

"uh, is this dylan?"

"dylan from the cupid helpline speaking, how may i help you?"

"um, it's about yesterday. it's tahlie."

"oh it's you, the girl with the boyfriend who doesn't exist. how are you wasting my time today?"

"yeah, sorry about that. it was a dare. and i do have a real boyfriend, i think you heard him yesterday."

"bit of a stupid dare, if you ask me. and yeah, i heard him. is he the one who doesn't take you out on dates?"

"yeah. he's annoyed at me now because i said that."

"i wonder why. it's not like it's embarrassing when your girlfriend complains about you to a boy she just asked out."

"no need to make me feel bad. i was just doing what carrie told me to. she doesn't like nate."

"don't need to hear your life story, kid."

"who are you calling me kid? i bet you're some horny fourteen year old looking for a heartbroken girl he can pick up."

"charming. i happen to be nineteen, so i am well within my right to call you kid."

"i thought i was a lonely forty year old woman?"

"touché."

"anyway, i called to apologise. i don't want to jeopardise your job or something like that."

"i don't think that's going to happen. i'm a brilliant employee."

"well your cockiness might get you fired."

"how dare you? i happen to have the employee of the month certificate hanging on my bedroom wall."

"that's sad."

"tell that to the picture of my face hanging on the wall at the office."

"alright, employee of the month, how do i get my boyfriend to stop being pissy with me?"

"buy him flowers and chocolate. if that doesn't work, take him on a date and buy him a copy of playboy. really good sex works great as well."

"lovely. is sex the only thing boys think about?"

"no! i happen to spend a lot of time daydreaming about what my mom's made for dinner."

"you still live with your parents and you're nineteen? isn't that sad?"

"parent, actually. and no it's not, have you seen the price of colleges lately?"

"you sound like my dad every time i mention cosmetology school. he says he's not wasting his money on makeup. can't wait to get away from him."

"sounds a lot like my dad. he was a proper dickhead."

"if we were in the same room, i would high five you."

"good thing we're not then, i'm not sure i want you touching me."

"that's so rude! i'm hanging up now."

call ended

"oh, what a shame, she's gone!"