Time Alone

Home

It's 4:07
Weary souls recuperate with well deserved breaks
They rest
But I cannot
I am restless, so I rest less.
Melancholy has driven me to an E
Empty
Funny; my car now resembles me.
I get gasoline to satisfy my monstrous machine's appetite
And a coffee for me
Your usual?
Yes please.

It's 4:14
My chariot's engine is content with fuel
I am not.
The car shudders and shakes with the boom of the bass
Dancing to an angelic and haunting melody, remixed with some beats fixed to create
Trap music
Huh.
Trap. Music.
Fair enough
I twist the knob until the thud in the speakers drowns the heartbeat in my ears
Where to go now?
What lonely street hasn't been overwhelmed by the synthesized beats masking my grief?
Oh.
I could go home.
I blink.
It hadn't occurred to me in many months except for in my sleeping dreams,
But when day comes I dare not even fantasize about my perfect little lie.
It is nighttime now, though...

It's 4:16
I decide to punish myself; I get on the road toward home
The trap music bellows to my soul that it won't let me go
I lower the volume.
Fog had loosely covered the city for hours
And my car had sliced through it with barely an issue
This is different.
The second I get on the highway I witness the world change
Just to try to warn me.
Fog that had loosely covered me while I avoided sleep on empty streets
Begins to suffocate every inch around my windshield
Behind me, the sides, in front of my eyes
Ghosts whisper-sing melodies of hidden memories, reminding me of the ending
I turn the music back up.

It's 4:23
I can't see.
Fear grips me.
A headlight is dead, soon perhaps my turn instead
Should I turn back?
Obviously
But I don't.
I force my two ton battering ram to batter aside the ghosts impeding on my plan
I'm so scared
The ghosts sense it; every valley becomes an eternity where nothing can be seen more than a few feet in front of me
My heartbeat is louder than the music
Trap music remember?
But I can't think about trapdoors when my foot is twitching on the floor
My life is focused on one light
A north star located on the right side of my car
Look.
Ahead my nightmare becomes a dream
Steel soldiers standing at attention projecting spotlight beams
Of light
An exit.
THE exit.
My green torpedo speeds below the angelic halos lighting the path for me
Familiarity takes the wheel and my mind turns its attention to steeling my  heart, and vice versa
Each recognizes the other will soon fall apart.
It's late fall and I've fallen
Into the trap of the music and the lie that won't die.
Humor me.

It's 4:40.
A final right turn takes me down the wrong road.
I turn off the music; I go it alone.
Bumps line the path, another discouraging act
Set by the universe
It must really hate me
That or it just wants to save me...

What happens next, whether I make it or not, is my secret to keep.

It's 4:50.
I get back on the highway.
The fog is just as suffocating but who cares;
My heart is already aching, fuck it, let my bones break then!!!
The vehicle continues on shaking
Somewhere far off I think I hear a song playing
Ugh.
I try to sever my mind from that terrible lie and return to the present:
A car, some music, and I.

I get to my house by 5:15
Pull out my keys and go through the motions
Slipping off sneakers and throwing on sleep appropriate clothing
I fall onto the couch.
Through my earbuds, a single echoing voice croons
I gaze at the ceiling and curse all the things
That led a sad boy to believe he could salvage his home.

The truth is
My home has been gone for a long time.
And she's never coming back.