Time Alone

Frantic Songs

You leave the party.
It wasn't killing you, it wasn't a burden you couldn't bear
But you could not be wholly there, could you
You smiled politely, hugged your friends oh so tightly
You stay alive for them nightly, don't take that lightly
Get in the car, ignite the engine, and start
A journey away from 'those' thoughts
"Shuffle my Ed Sheeran songs please"
Siri does.
A glimmer of a sardonic smile flashes; you know your friends would rib you about that choice
But you need to feel whole, in existence, and his voice
It brings you back to her.
Every single word is a day when you were wholly alive; when you could still look into her eyes
You saw the present, the past and the glittering you told yourself was the future
Oh, and the warmest shade of ice blue around it all
He begins to sing
Then you're lost
The notes are floating above your head, the words dart by your hands on the steering wheel
You start to sing.
Each line on the road and each line on your tongue blurs together
There one second and gone the next
You remember the first time you heard the words leave her mouth
All of a sudden it's too hot, you're feverish, you have to let the burning out or it will consume you
Singing louder and louder now
The repetition of a chorus becomes a tingling on your lips
Then your cheeks
You're buzzing now, trés magnifique
It's not enough
The repulsive enemy you know better than any friend has already announced its presence tonight
It's pushed your heart into your throat
Words burst from beneath
Coming so quickly, so loud
She said you couldn't sing but you sang along to every song on every drive with her
Because she was music to you.
She also said you never really loved her
No words you said or pen on pages that bled with your very essence could show her otherwise
She was wrong
Screaming now, these frantic songs, your voice is hoarse, the words stream forth
Prove her wrong
Please
You're coughing and spitting so you swallow and taste salt
Every breath taken is a desperate gasp to prove with this act that she was wrong please let her be mistaken thishastobeenoughdeargodnomoreaching please
The heart that leapt into your throat has disappeared in a puff of smoke all you taste is bile and you wrap yourself in the blanket of denial
But it's woven with smoke, and comes unraveled
IT'S NOT ENOUGH, IT HAS NEVER BEEN ENOUGH.

You burst back into being quietly
You are a blur on an empty road
Alone
You wipe your eyes, crack open a window
You feel the breeze freeze the beads forming on your forehead
You taste your blood
Must have bitten your lip during your trip to the bitter hell where those memories dwell
The last song before your drive is over is the one you two had danced to
It is still sung by you
But in a cracking, defeated whisper
Broken
Blood and sweat and tears were shed  and she is still lost to you.

You glance at the stars above, then gaze at the city lights in your little world.
You're not dead.
But you're not wholly here, are you?