Everything I Didn't Say

11.26.16

its been a while since I've sat down on my bed with my laptop in hand and just wrote

i forgot how much of an escape writing is.

it takes me deep into my mind and into thought

i forget about everything else around me as i search for the perfect words to express myself

it's been almost a year since my last relationship and looking back at everything i wrote about him and us, i realize that it wasn't a healthy relationship to be in. we were toxic for each other and we fought constantly about the dumbest things. he was so insecure about us that he pushed me away. we broke up and got back together within days, sometimes even hours. i don't that i was what he wanted or needed at the time and i know that he wasn't what i needed. writing this all down just brings everything into perfect clarity. i see now what i want in a partner and i know that the right person will come at the right time and he just wasn't my person. i have accepted that and learned to move on from that. i still think about him often. he made me so happy at times, but he also brought me to extremely low points that i will never forget and i know now that he was never ready for the relationship that i wanted and that's okay. he's going off to the army now and even though we haven't spoken in almost a year, i have to admit that I'm worried about him because I've realized as I've gotten older that death is so real and its never something that is expected. i know what soldiers go through, though not from experience, and i can honestly say that if anything happened to him, i don't know what i would do. even though its been a while and we ended bitterly, at one point i loved him and i know that a part of me always will. but i also know now that what we had happened at the wrong time. neither of us was really ready emotionally for it and knowing that makes it all seem a little bit better. i love that my writing has brought me so much for something that was, in all, and emotional and mental rollercoaster. in the words of Taylor Swift, "loving him was red" 

all i know, and i don't know much, is that everything happens for a reason and if anything is meant to be, it will happen in time. life is unexpected and i know that i never expected to meet him or to fall for him, but i do know that he came when he was meant to and if we meet again somewhere down the line, who knows what will happen.

m.a.a.k