Everything I Didn't Say

1.24.17

To The Boy Who Let Me Down (Again),

First off, I'd like to say thank you. What we had was a roller coaster. When it was good, it was the heart stopping, breath taking type of good. When it was bad, it was the soul crushing, heart breaking, crying in the shower bad. Even though it was years ago, talking to you again, even if for only a short time, had brought all of the emotions and memories flooding back. It all came back so fast. I want you to know that I tried so hard to stop it, to not feel anything. I had no other reason other than I didn't trust you because you broke my heart multiple times years ago. Experience made me put my guards up, and those walls were rock solid, or so I thought. But, as the days went on and the feelings grew, my walls cracked a little every day. Then, I saw it. The lie that you told me and what I feared came true. I asked you in the beginning "are you seeing anyone?" Your answer was a simple "no" and I trusted you when I shouldn't have. My heart dropped and I called my best friend. We spoke for almost an hour about you, I tried so hard but I couldn't hold the tears back. She told me not to cry about you, that you weren't worth it. She calmed me down and we hung up. I went to take a shower and standing in the tub, the water flowing down my head and over my body, I relaxed myself. It was only then that everything sunk in. I really thought about it. About you, us, me. I hope to God that you never feel the emotions that ripped through me in that half hour. I felt unlovable, broken, angry, sad, and confused all at once. I dropped onto my knees and leaned against the wall, my head in my hands, silently sobbing and muttering "Oh my God." over and over again. The best part about crying in the shower is that you don't feel the tears running down your cheeks, they flow together with the running water. The emotions you made me feel even though we hadn't even been talking for that long were indescribable. It's been 24 hours since I last spoke to you and I still have no idea how you made me feel everything all at once. I'd been so guarded, so careful with my words that I was sure I wouldn't be hurt by you. I mean, you'd already hurt me once, what's stopping you from doing it again? I can't understand how you tore me open and I didn't even realize before it was too late. The worst part of this all? I had already told you I had been cheated on and how awful and broken I felt after that and you said you would never be able to cheat on someone. But, you did. It wasn't on me, but you cheated on her. And I know you haven't told her because why would you? She and I have no mutual friends, there's no reason she would ever find out and I would never be able to tell her. I hope she leaves you before you get the chance to break her too. No one in the world deserves to be cheated on because it's one of the most diminishing and heart breaking things that can happen to someone. When the other guy cheated on me a long time ago, I told you he made me feel like I wasn't good enough and you told me that I was good enough for love, but was that a lie? Was anything you said to me true? I have no idea and I guess I never will. I know you will never read this letter because there's no way you would even know I've written it and I refuse to speak to you again, so I definitely won't send this to you. I'm not angry at you. I was angry when I found out, but not anymore. I'm just disappointed because you did exactly what I hoped you wouldn't. You lied to me and made me feel like I was just a game. And you lied until the very end, you never said that you were dating her but I know you know I caught you in a lie. I don't know why you didn't just say you were dating someone because I never asked for you to say anything to me. You initiated this whole thing, so I blame you completely. I'm disappointed because you turned out to be the same guy you were when we dated 4 years ago when I wished so badly that you had changed and matured. No matter what happened in the past, I still and always will wish you the best in life. You deserve the world and more, and so do I. Author of Eat, Pray, Love Elizabeth Gilbert once said, "This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something." I tried for you and you tried for me, but you did it with lies and deceit as the foundation of everything. I have already forgiven you for what you did, but I will never forget this. I hope your life is filled with love and joy and I hope you never do this to anyone ever again. Maybe one day we will cross paths again, but until then, goodbye.

xx.

The One That Got Away