Everything I Didn't Say

5.7.18

I haven't written here in a while, and I often come back here and reread what I wrote during my early and mid teen years. I read it, and my heart breaks for the person I once was, a person who had so much love to give and she didn't even know what love was. Both of the guys I wrote about in here are pieces of my past, and at the time I thought I loved them. Now, over a year since I last wrote about the stupid boy who broke my heart again, I am happy to say that I'm in love with a boy, and he loves me just as much, if not more. We've been dating a little over a year now and when I reread everything I used to write about love and life, I was so naive. I always thought my first boyfriend would be my last, and after 2 weeks of dating I thought I loved him when I barely knew what his favorite color was. Now, with my current relationship, I've learned that love is really fucking hard. It's making a choice every day to love someone through all their flaws. Even when they make you want to scream, you choose to love them. Being in love with your best friend is one of the most amazing things that has ever happened to me. We drive each other crazy sometimes, and we get into fights, but every night before I go to sleep, I make sure he knows that he means everything to me. One thing that I know I've learned in my current relationship is that communication is the key. No one will ever know what you're thinking or going through unless you tell them, you can't expect anyone to be a mind reader because that's not possible. My boyfriend now makes me feel so loved and so worthy of love. I push him away a lot because I get worried that he's going to hurt me like every other guy has, but then I realize that pushing him away would kill me. He's my best friend, the person I tell everything to, and he just gets me in a way no one else ever has. Our relationship is so goofy, and never want to not be with him. He's 200 miles away right now for school, but I get to see him in a couple days and I couldn't be more excited. Long distance is hard as fuck, but he's so worth it. Hearing his voice through a phone call makes me day a thousand times better. Being in a long distance relationship has forced me to appreciate the small moments, the 20 minute phone calls in between events and classes, the "I love you" texts that make my heart race, and the moment when I get to hug him again after not being able to for 2 and a half months. I will admit, it's hard for me, and I do cry a lot, but I always cry so it's not that big of a deal (I'm kind of an emotional person). He is my everything, and he pushes me to do well in classes and in life, to be the best version of myself as I can be. A piece of advice that I have for anyone who feels like the situation they're in right now is the end of the world and no one will ever love them the way they deserve: it gets so much better, don't ever force anything, and love will find you when you least expect it. In my experience, the wait is worth it. 

xx. marina