𝚕𝚞𝚌𝚒𝚏𝚎𝚛'𝚜 𝚍𝚊𝚛𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐 [𝙸]

t w e n t y t w o

|TwentyTwo|

⑉

Raphael was like a soft teddy bear. He didn't ask questions as to why I was crying, or why I had a large bloodstain leaking from my abdomen.

Instead, he pulled me close, ignoring my bloodstain leaking onto his white, pinstriped shirt and wrapped his arms around my shivering frame.

Soon enough, my crying episode transitioned into quiet sniffles, leaving me just about able to explain to Raphael the past events that had happened to me in the Underworld.

I wasn't expecting Raphael to cry at the news but watching his brilliant-blue eyes swell with tears caused me to start crying again too. I found comfort in Raphael's arms - he held me for a long time and promised to help me pull my emotions together.

He called for Gabriel who played nurse and cleaned my wound before bandaging it. He too, couldn't hold back his tears.

Gabriel was an interesting character for me to meet. On the outside, he was tall and stern looking with dark green eyes. However, after talking to him, as he sat on the sofa alongside Raphael and me - one discovered his character to be bubbly and playful - similar to one of a small child.

It took me by surprise how kind he was, Raphael was lucky to work alongside him.

He sat with us all afternoon, telling funny stories to try and make us laugh, even impersonating a few famous faces in an attempt to lighten the mood.

Crying is normal, Raphael had told me, once Gabriel had left the two of us alone, but, he had said, holding my shoulders in his hands, this time, make sure you never cry for the same reason again.

⑉

With Raphael's advice in mind, I spent the remainder of the week by his side, as well as Gabriel and Uriel; playing cards, board games, having picnics - focusing my energy on enjoyable days that would make me forget.

Forget about Lucifer. He takes up too much space in my heart, anyway. It's not healthy. It consumes me, piece by piece, day by day. The amount of pain I experience every time Lucifer let me down was not pleasant. It hurts. A lot. Like someone had reached in through my chest and was pulling away sections of my heart, similar as one would do with bread at a picnic.

I needed to grow. I needed to become better at controlling my emotions. I needed to become a stronger person.

I needed to become Charmeine 2.0.

⑉

The following Sunday was the day I decided that enough time had passed since my last visit and that I was ready to go down to the Underworld once more.

I had even practised talking in the mirror so that when I saw Lucifer again - I would be able to control my emotions. I wanted to enter the Underworld level-headed. I didn't spend almost two weeks preparing myself to see Lucifer again, only for my hard work to go down the drain.

Dressing warmly in a thin cashmere jumper and a pair of white sweatpants, I headed into the kitchen where a tub of ice cream was waiting for me. Earlier, I had thought of taking a few snacks down with me so that at least I could use them as a conversation starter in case things became awkward.

At the same time - I wasn't ready. Not at all. But the more I thought about it, the more I feel I won't ever be. Lucifer is the type of person you have to ease into seeing. You can't just dive straight into the deep end - you'll drown in pain.

It was one of the first mistakes I had made when I started visiting Lucifer.

As Lucifer in a sense was an acquired taste - you had to be careful - otherwise, you would end up like me, getting stabbed by his crazy ex-girlfriend.

Speaking of the stab wound, it was healing pretty well. Whatever healing cream Gabriel had put on each day was helping - now it was no longer painful. My stomach felt a bit tight however the important thing was that I was still alive.

Juggling the tub of ice cream, a packet of salted crisps and a pouch of chocolate orange pieces in my arms, I carefully made my way over to the portal mirror, calling out to Raphael who was reading in the courtyard that I was leaving.

Entering the dim hallway, I was once again standing in the entrance to Lucifer's lair. The air was brutal against my skin, goosebumps erupting up and down my arms. The Underworld seemed unwelcoming, not that it ever was and there was a distinct sombre feeling in the atmosphere.

Maybe this was a bad sign? Was the air suggesting I turn back now?

No Charmeine. Take the higher road, don't give up now.

Making my way down the corridor, I paused to check a few portals, looking for Lucifer but he was nowhere in sight.

Where was he?

Eventually, I found him, slumped against the water fountain in the garden.

Of course, he was here.

He looked like a kicked puppy, his eyes screaming out sadness and his taffy lips folded into a pout.

He looked ill too, only dressed in an uneven-half-buttoned silk shirt and a pair of black sweatpants that hung low on his bony hips. If at all possible, Lucifer looked paler, more half-dead-like.

I thought Asmodeus said Lucifer would take this time to heal? What had he been doing to himself?

Did he stop eating? He looked skinnier than before. His cheekbones and collar bones were more prominent, looking like they were carving through his pale skin.

Why was he hurting himself? He didn't look like he was quote on quote 'getting his shit together' - he looked like shit. The exact opposite of what Asmodeus had requested.

Where even was Asmodeus? Did he not check up on him?

So many questions Charmeine - slow down.

I dropped to the floor beside him, resting my precious cargo on the stone. Tilting my head to the side, I tried to meet Lucifer's pained syrupy orbs. The starlight in them had faded, all that was left was darkness.

"I say, darling," I said, trying to lighten the mood, "do you have a spoon?" 

⑉

my favourite season is actually spring, what's yours?

until next time my angels, 

-V

Edited: 01/07/18