Trigger Warning
And I'll use you as a warning sign
That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind
No one had seen it coming. She had always been our voice of reason--the one we all turned to when we were in need of advice. I guess we were all so caught up in our own problems that we couldn't see her own. Because, like I said...
No one saw Clary's suicide coming.
And I'll use you as a focal point
So I don't lose sight of what I want
And I've moved farther than I thought I could
Clary and I had always been best friends. Ever since we could walk we were Jace and Clary--the inseparable duo. After she killed herself a part of me died with her. I didn't think I'd ever find the strength to leave my bed again.
Somehow, I did.
But I miss you more than I thought I would.
I had always missed her during the night when we couldn't be together. It was a small feeling, brotherly. But there was nothing brotherly about how much I missed her after she was truly gone. That is what surprised me.
And I'll use you as a warning sign,
That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind
She had seemed so happy that last night when we got back to our street. We had been laughing so hard as we jogged down the street, saying good night to Isabelle Lightwood and Simon Lewis as they continued further down the street to their houses. Clary had looked me in the eye as we stood in the road and smiled brighter than she had in a while.
She had closed the gap between us and hugged me close. It was a gesture I wasn't used to. Clary isn't--wasn't a huge fan of signs of affection. Then, she kissed me on the cheek, thanked me for the great night, and turned away. I stayed until she was inside her house before I turned and walked into mine.
She was gone by morning.
And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be,
Right in front of me
Talk some sense to me
It took me longer to realize how great my feelings for Clary actually are. She knew what she wanted, though. She always did.
And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be
It was at a party this past April that I first realized how she felt. It had been one of those high school parties where people bring the strongest liquor they can get somebody to buy and pretend they have the tolerance for it. I was wasted.
It was like Clary hadn't even taken a sip.
I knew that wasn't true, though. We had been together most of the night. Clary had had just as much as I had and was still completely sober. I guess that should have been my first sign.
I was stumbling around and she took it upon herself to make sure I didn't do anything stupid. She had pulled me into one of the guest rooms, taken off my shoes, and tucked me under the covers.
Right in front of me
She sat there with me, brushing the hair back from my face. Her green eyes were brightened by the dark eyeshadow and some pieces of her hair had been hanging in front. She asked me how great my chances were of remembering this the next day.
I told her little to none.
She smiled and said, "good." And then she kissed me.
It was short and sweet, but it did the trick. She had been quick to leave after, her eyes widening as if she had just realized what she had done. She was quick to leave the room.
The next morning I told her the entire night had been a blur. She seemed relieved. I remembered it all, though.
Talk some sense to me
I had always turned to her when I needed help or advice. No matter what she was doing she always had time for me and my mediocre problems. I never returned that favor.
Not as well as I should have, anyway.
And I'll use you a makeshift gauge
Of how much to give and how much to take
I took all of her love and gave none in return. I think there was a part of me that always knew it, I just didn't truly realize it until it was too late. Now I know that you must give someone just as much as they give you. I love Clary. I always did.
And I'll use you as a warning sign
Maybe, just maybe if I had told her that she wouldn't have slit her wrists open. Maybe she wouldn't have continued to do so until she was blinded by pain.
That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind
Maybe she wouldn't have died alone.
Oh and I found love where it wasn't supposed to be
There are no words to express the complete and utter heartbreak I had felt when I woke up the next morning to see the ambulances. Her mom had been in front of the house sobbing into her husband Luke's shoulder. I had run over, my mom following close behind to comfort her friend.
"Jocelyn what's wrong?"
"It's Clary she--she--"
"What's wrong with Clary?"
"She's dead."
It had felt like all of the wind had been knocked out of me. Everything in the world faded and to blurs and murmuring. The only thing keeping me upright was my mom.
Right in front of me
It was as her father arrived at the house that the paramedics brought her body out. I had pushed through to see her and, even though the paramedics tried to stop me, unzipped the body bag.
Talk some sense to me
My heart clenched when I saw her. She looked so peaceful and yet there were dried tears on her cheeks. There was blood all over her stomach and legs. At this point I had thought it had been murder because all her mother had said was 'she's dead'. It didn't click for me until I had seen her forearms, slashed vertically and horizontally beyond recognition.
It didn't make any sense to me.
And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be
Right in front of me
Talk some sense to me.
Every night I wonder if she felt peace. And every night I wonder if she can hear me when I say my last words before falling sleep.
I love you Clary
