Always Been You

ONE.

ONE.

My chest tightens as he finally steps inside the room with his usual playful smile on his face. How can he still smile at this situation we've been put in? God, never have I imagined we'd end up in this exact same scene. And here he was, smiling like he's making fun of me just like he did so many times before as if this is the same joke he used to pull on me or everybody for that matter. How? How can he just chill like that?

But the bigger question is how did we end up getting married?!

I lower my gaze as he stops in front of me. After a second, he raises his hand offering me his 'salaam' (peace). I bite my lip contemplating whether to reject and run away or just stare at his hand forever until he gets tired and he walks out himself.

I feel like letting out a big sob right now. I'm not yet ready to get married! I wanted to enjoy my life first being single! I want to finish law school unmarried and unattached! I want to travel the world with no worries of who I've left behind!

Watchful eyes are staring at me now. Shame. Shame on this sick culture. This sick pride they have that they couldn't fathom their daughters in somebody else's cars! Shame!

I release my hold of the bouquet and slowly accept his hand without even looking at him. After a while, he releases my hand and touches my forehead as a customary way. And just like that. My single, carefree days are over. Khalas.

"I was expecting you to cry back there," says James when we're settled in front of the guests like we're some displayed bride and groom. Scratch that, because we are.

"Shut up," I tell him.

"Aww come on, won't we just enjoy this moment?" he asks as he displays his smug look. "It's not everyday we get married."

"How can I? I didn't even get to plan my own wedding!" I cry in whisper. He laughs like he's making fun of me -- again. I continue nevertheless. "I had so many plans. I even had my own dream wedding gown but instead," I look down at my own, definitely not what I've been dreaming of. It's not hideous but it's not the way I've imagined it.

"Well, better than nothing...although that sounds better--"

I glare at him so hard that he stops and then he bursts laughing low enough for the the two of us to hear it. Later on, I couldn't help but join him also.

The man on the podium continues with his message even though we don't hear a single thing of it. For we are lost in our own problematic world.

"How did we even end up in this situation?" I ask.

"Yeah, how on earth," he seconds the motion.

And so, my mind drifts back to what happened five days ago. It was the graduation season. Few days after mine, James, or Jamil, and I were together in his car. We came from our friend's graduation party who was graduating from another school. Yes, a party. In our society, graduations are major celebration. It's how happy our parents are that their child has graduated and got a degree. That's how education is very important in the society (country, even) I live in. So anyway, since the place was far, he offered to give us (me and our other friends) a ride.

I was the last one to be dropped off so I was seated in the passenger's seat and it's already dark when we reached our place.

Now to understand what's bound to happen, I belong in a very conservative tribe when it comes to dealing with women. Generally, women should not be seen with men not their relatives because people might think that there's something going on with the two. This is viewed by the elders and those religious people as taboo. As for the youth, since they were modernized and all that, it's just hanging out with some friends. And as for me, it's like I'm hanging out with close knit friends who I've been with since high school. Harmless.