Always Been You

SEVEN.

SEVEN.
After a few weeks of silence in Instagram, just after the final preboard, I open my account and the first thing I see is a post of Arifah. It was a shoe selfie with a caption that it was a birthday gift.

"Did you greet Arifah already?" Jehan asks.

"No, not yet," I say. And then I recall that shoes Jamil bought while we were together. Was it for me or for Arifah's birthday?

In less than a minute, I refresh the page and see Jamil's username below it indicating that he was online and he just liked the picture. Feeling my breath hitched, I set my phone down not wanting to continue any further.

I haven't talked to Jamil at all. Which was maybe a good thing. I was able to pour my time in studying. I chose to forget him for a while. I deactivated my Facebook account, logged out of my Twitter and Instagram accounts so I won't see any notifications from him or any other people.

He hasn't made any move to contact me either.

Will this be the end of our marriage?

I pick my phone again and decide to log out. But I notice that I have a direct message. I click on it. It was from Jamil. It was sent just last week. But I don't open it, afraid what I might see if I open the message. So I log out.

But I know I miss him. So much that I want to fly back home and just stay with him. I think that I love him and I'm afraid he will reject me and then I'll have my heart broken. So I cry again and I surprise Jehan yet again.

"Oh, Mal," she says rushing to me. "I can't bear to see you like this. You've been distracted since you came back, did something happen?"

And so I decide to tell her everything. And only then I feel better. Having to let out what's been distracting me from all this time, what's been burdening me. And I'm glad she's here. She's my bestfriend and the only one who understands me.

The next day, the results of the preboards come out. I did better than I expected, better than the first one. I was among the top 100 which was a a really good news to my mom. She called right away when she heard and congratulated me. And then she said I could do better in the actual. Oh Mama and her expectations.

Papa called and he was happy too. He was proud of me and said he'll be praying for me. He doesn't say anything about me topping the actuals. And I'm so happy that's one less people who expect a whole lot from me.

No word from James.

Jehan comes to me that night. "I talked to Saharah about you and James, is that alright?"

I look at her surprised. "Why? What's wrong?"

"Well, I asked her of any strange things about James when you left, she's the only one I could ask, isn't she?"

I nod. "You don't have to do that," I say feeling ashamed that I entangled her with my married life.

"We're your friends, M. And James is our friend too. You both are precious to us," she says. "We want you to be fine. We can't bear to see you two miserable."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I heard from S he's having a hard time. Had been since you left. It was almost affecting his grades from the way S said it. You two should fix it before it's too late."

"What happened to his grades?" I ask. Oh no. He was always studying late.

"His midterms were bad compared to his prelims. Just like how bad your first preboard was. Good thing he was able to catch up this finals. Fix it, M."

I nod. Although I don't exactly know where to start.

"And also, I talked to Arifah about that shoes. It was from her parents, why would you think it's from James?"

"I told you, James bought a pair of shoes and never gave it to me--"

"You see, he never had the chance because you were gone before he could do so," she says. "Listen, Arifah knows you and James are married. She wouldn't dare accepting a gift from James and then post it for you to see. And besides we both know A doesn't like James." Oh my god, what kind of friend am I?

Shame falls on me. "It's my fault. I should have thought harder. But I was jealous I can barely think straight when it comes to Jamil," I say.

"I understand. And I don't blame you really," she says.

"Did you tell Arifah?"

"Of course not!"

I hold her hand. "Thanks for everything Jehan."

Her face softens and she smiles. "Everything for you. You've always been there for me too. And it's what bestfriends do."

Later that night, I open my Instagram account. I decide to check on that direct message Jamil sent. I don't realize that my hands are a bit shaking when I click on it.

There were five messages.

Malleha, I'm really sorry.

This was sent a day after I got back here.

Are you still mad? Tell me how to make it up to you.

This one just before my first preboard exams.

You blocked my messages and calls, how am I supposed to talk to you? I heard about your preboard results. I'm really sorry. If it's because of me I'm sorry.

Really, I blocked him? Was that why I don't get any calls and texts from him because I unconsciously blocked him? Must have done it when I was overly emotional. I didn't know what I was doing anymore.

I feel useless. I should have thought of this hard. I have my own lapses. Will you be patient and stay with me even if... Malleha, I need to talk to you. Please.

What was he talking about? Was he having his own problems and I didn't know?

Mal, I miss you so bad you're all I see everywhere.

This one was sent on Arifah's birthday. That day I reopened my Instagram and saw him like Arifah's post of her shoe selfie. Oh god, I should have checked it right away. I would have known instantly how he feels.

My heart melts all the heart aches. My thumbs quickly come up with a reply as if it's an instinct.

I miss you too.

I wait for a reply. But nothing comes even when I drift off to sleep.

Before I know it, the actual board exams is closing in. Our review classes are done, we're on our own now. Pre-week lectures will be next week and we had this week to ourselves. I was advised by seniors to not open any Accounting related book and just relax our minds. We need a fresh mind on the days of the strenuous exams.

I follow their advice and keep all the books and reviewers away just leaving my notes so I could check on them if I need something. And then I plan to watch movies and read books over the following days.

"Are you sure you're not coming?" Jehan asks.

Her cousins invited her to unwind in some cold place. It was tempting but then I don't want to feel left out spending time with people I barely know.

"I'm sure. Go have fun," I tell her.

She looks at me slyly. "Well, I won't force you really. S told me something," she says feeling excited.

"What?" I ask finding myself smiling. Her smiles are contagious.

"It's a secret."

I find out about it when I was told that I have a visitor waiting at the lobby. My heart beats fast.

••••••••••

Assalamualaikom! Hey! Did you guess who was at the lobby? :)

So we're like nearing the end of this story already. It's a short one, I know, and it's intended that way. But I hope you liked it and please leave a comment, vote and even share! Thanks for reading!

And oh! This one's dedicated to NashraMirza! Thanks for voting on Nikah. :)