Always Been You

SIX.

SIX.
When I turned my phone on at lunch, mother's call immediately went in. Panic crawls, did she find out?

"Yes, Mama?" I answer.

"Where are you?" She asks. "Why can't we reach you since this morning?"

I try to make voice normal. "Uhh, I just got back in my dorm. And I forgot to turn my phone on. Why?"

"Well, nothing. We're just worried," she says and I was able to release the breathe I was holding. "Actually, Jamil is."

The relief is short-lived. "Jamil?"

"Yes, he was worried why he can't reach you so he checked on us if we'd called you already. You got everybody worried. Could you please leave your phone on always?" She says, worry resounding in her voice. I thought of Jamil.

"Yes, Ma. I'm sorry. Tell Jamil I'm fine," I say.

"Did you two fight?"

"No," I say quickly. "Just in case he calls and I couldn't pick up again. I'm going to be really busy this week. Preboards this week, remember?"

"Yes, yes, I remember. How are you doing?"

"Oh I'm fine," I say. Am I? With the thoughts of Jamil and the possibility of my pregnancy, am I?

She sounds happy then. "Alright, don't get too distracted." That's all and we hang up.

Five minutes my phone rings again and this time, it was Jamil. I bet mother told him I could be reached this time. I don't want to sound like I'm avoiding him so I answer the phone.

"Yes?"

"Where are you? Are you okay?" Were his first words. He sounds tired and worried.

"I'm fine, James," I say intentionally calling him James.

There was a slight pause before he continues. "Why didn't you wake me up?"

I sharply take a breath wanting to avoid this conversation. "I forgot to tell you that I had already made a reservation with the airport shuttle services. And it's late, it's dangerous for you to be driving around that time."

"Still, you could've woken me up, see you off, Mal," he says a bit annoyed. "What if something bad happened to you?"

"Well, I'm fine now. I landed safely. You're talking to me now, no need to fret," I say matching his annoyance.

"What is this all about?" He asks.

"I'm busy, I can't get distracted--"

"Is this about what happened last night?" He cut which silenced me for a full minute. When I couldn't answer, he continues. "So, it is."

"No," I say finding my voice. "I just realized I wasted a full good weekend when I should be studying for the pre-boards. Everybody is expecting from me but I went there to slack time."

"Are you blaming me? Did I tell you to come visit here?" My jaw drops. Not because what he said was true, but because he has the audacity to tell me that.

Why is he mad anyway?

"So it's wrong now to spend time with you?" I ask and feel the tears threatening to come out.

"Mal--" his tone changed.

"No, don't you Mal me," I cut harshly. "I'm going to be super busy these coming months so don't bother calling." I end the call frustrated and angry at myself. When I think of it, yeah, he didn't tell me to go to there at all. I'm all there is to blame.

Preboards came and with the distraction I was facing, I had gotten a result worse than I expected. I failed two subjects while the others are barely reaching 80. Well at least there's one where I got 90 above. But still, if this happens to be the actual board, I'm screwed for real.

I got a sermon from mother saying she expected a lot from me. She relied on my words that I'll be fine but I turned her down. It hurts me that I failed her. I cried on the results. I cried because of my mother pressuring me and the thought that I failed her. I cried because of Jamil. I cried because of myself.

Jehan enters our room and sees me crying. She goes to me and consoles me telling me it's just the preboards. I could still make it up for the actual. I believe her so I stop crying.

"Let's go to the mall, just to relieve your stress. We'll just eat something good and then we'll go home, I promise," she says. Unlike me, her results were promising. She could be among the top 20.

I agree. So we go there and resort to stress-eating. Ice creams, pizza, donuts... Forget about gaining weight. I just want to eat this out and forget about it later on. Jehan seems to know there's something going on with me aside from the preboard results so she only talks about trivial matters. This is what I like about her, she waits until I am ready to talk about it.

"Wait, I forgot to buy bond papers," she says. "Do you need them too?"

I barely touched mine last week. So I still have lots of them. "I'll just buy next week," I say.

"Alright, I'm just gonna go buy real quick and then we're good to go," she says and before I could even tell her that I'm going with her, she's already dashed off.

So I am left standing with nowhere to go.

And then I see a familiar yet not so familiar face. But she still advanced to me, recognizing me maybe. Where have I seen her?

"Malleha! It's me, Hidayah!"

Where have we met exactly?

"We're classmates back in our Socio class and then I transferred school! Remember when you asked me if how I was related to Jamil?" She narrates.

Oh. Yeah, now I remember. My Socio class was like, four years ago. No wonder her face isn't familiar anymore. "Oh yeah, because you have the same surnames," I say instantly feeling depressed at the sound of his name.

"Exactly! Oh my god, I can't believe I will run into you here," she says. "What are you doing here?"

"Review for the boards," I say.

"Oh, right, you were an Accountancy student," she says.

"You?"

"Oh, my husband's business is here," she says.

"You're married already?" I ask and she nods. I want to tell her I am too but well, things are not going well.

"Speaking of marriage, I heard that batchmate of yours Jamil, got married too," she says. I confirmed that they were distant relatives and that's all. They weren't close unlike his other cousins whom I met already.

I look at her funnily and want to tell her it's me whom he got married to but then she continued.

"I heard he didn't even like the girl, that he was just forced to marry her. You must know this since you guys are friends, right? What do you know about it?"

I frown at her. Is it really her habit to just blurt out to anyone what's going on with other's lives on first meeting?

"No, it wasn't like that," I say. "They were betrothed."

"Of course that's what they would say to cover their story. I heard the girl's pregnant that's why they had to hasten the wedding," she says.

My jaw drops. There are stories circulating around like that?! I feel like breaking down.

"Oh, poor Jamil," she says and I want to shout at her that they weren't even close for her to feel that way for Jamil! "And remember that girl you told me whom Jamil likes?" I told her about Arifah? How could I be such a blabbermouth to have told her about them?

I stare at her not wanting to speak, or else I'll just break down.

"I don't know of it's true but they said he would marry her when he finishes med school, after all, she was his true love. And well, he doesn't love this first wife anyway. Maybe he could have his happy ending."

"Mal-- oh, you have company..." Jehan was heaven sent.

"It's okay, we're just finishing our story-telling," I say. "It's nice to see you again, Hidayah."

And I drag Jehan away from the spot. When we got home, I cry again. All Jehan could do was comfort me by being a friend offering silence.

My monthly period came a week after and I don't know why I'm not at all relieved.

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