Always Been You

FOUR.

FOUR.

Nothing changes.

Well, something changes. I mean, not that I've fallen for Jamil or something. It's like I don't have anything to be ashamed of in front of him. I don't have to think every time that the reason I got married to him is just to save my honor, my family's name. Now I know I'm clean.

And that makes a whole lot of difference.

So when we are sitting by each other on the plane seats, I was a lot more cheerful than I already was. There was no holdback of me wanting to be friends with him more, or to be closer to him. I don't know if he sensed that but I don't care. At least I now know that it wasn't really my fault we've fallen into this mess - a funny mess.

They only stayed for a couple of days with me in the capital city. My classes started soon so they had to leave me alone. Their stay wasn't very much eventful. We just strolled in some tourist places and in the malls to which my feet hurt at just walking around.

I wanted to ask Jamil what are his thoughts but I guessed he won't share. Boys are like that, as per opinion. They like to keep it to themselves.

But I'd like it if he'd open up to me, you know. After all, we're friends, aren't we?

The least I did was give him a fist bump when they dropped by my dorm on their way to the airport. I'm going to miss my family... Ugh, six months without them.

We stayed normally as good friends as if we weren't married. We text each other just to check on us and then after that, just like before, the conversation's dead. I mean, the conversation would have been fruitful if they're personal. But on text messages, or even Facebook chats, I don't know. I just don't have patience on them. I'm a lazy texter and phone user. Sometimes I think, I only have them for necessity.

My review school also started and it was tough. My aim is not only to pass, but also to top it. So I had to work double time. I barely even have a social life. Jehan and I are both sticking our noses into our book and calculators. But unlike me, Jehan has a spare time in going to the malls and watching movies. Although not frequent, but at least she had time.

As for my family, they were constantly checking me through phone calls. Mother kept telling Father that he shouldn't take too much of my time, as I still have to study. So sometimes they just call to check and then we hang up. And then Jamil, well, he barely even called. And so do I.

He got caught up with the start of his med school. I heard from Sahara they're really having a hard time too even though they're only in their first year. Something to do with group dynamics and discussion. And they're always on a study out, together with their respective groups. So I made time to check on his timeline and yeah, there are photos where he was tagged and some of them are from those study outs.

We were so busy we forget we exist. Just like a natural cycle of friendship. You lost in touch with the other once in a while.

"Your first preboards is just around the corner so I suggest..." One of our review teachers says.

"Study," some of us drawls.

"No," he says smiling. "You unwind as early as now..."

How does one unwind? I want to spend each minute studying. Because what if that minute I spent in unwinding, I could have studied a page of my review books? I don't want it to go to waste. Besides, I'll have an eternity of unwinding after the board exams.

That night, I get to our room from a dual study with a batchmate of mine and notice my phone is signaling for a call in Facetime. I found Sahara's profile. So I answer it right away. "Assalāmu'alaikum. Hey, Malleyyyy," she says waiving at the screen.