Snippets of Color

Winter 2015

The buildup of snow drifts on the side of the road grew taller
They were waves in a vast sea of white
The heat inside of the car fought the cold outside the doors
but there's a shiver that's shaking beneath my skin
One that I don't quite understand
One that will continue to grow throughout the years that come

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Winter seemed to come in as a blast
with snowflakes creeping in during the night
and blinding the world when the sun came up
Phone calls at 6 in the morning became frequent
allowing us to sleep in and forget about the burden of school
The silence outside became peaceful
Blankets were piled high on the beds and couches
but that didn't mean it wasn't warm enough by the fire
The sun set earlier and earlier every day
and I could sleep peacefully again
School was a warm buzz of people trying to fight the cold
with long pants and big sweaters
The atmosphere was sleepy
like everyone was waiting to wake up when the spring came around
I was the only one who was wide awake
(I'm feeling the fullest when the days grow short
and the weather grows cold
Because then the cold and dark inside of me
feels warmer and lighter compared to cold and dark outside)

But as winter became stronger and deeper
there was something beneath my skin itching to crawl out
Maybe it was the taunting voices I was so afraid of
or the feeling of fear I felt every morning
Maybe it was because I spent a lot of time alone
or I finally realized just how broken I am
The days seemed to grow darker
but I told myself that it would soon become light
I started to fall asleep along with the people around me
(but I wouldn't wake up in the spring like they would)
Winter became stretched out
I tried to hide behind the music in my ears
the poetry that slid into my brain
I tried to hide in the cold that started to creep into my body
but no one can hide from their own fate
and mine was to become as hollow and empty
as the winter world outside
I became made of ice and snow
frost on my skin
frigid wind in my lungs
crystals in my eyes
I was frozen solid
begging to be thawed
I do not want this
I don't want feel so empty, so cold
But nothing listened
I was just a girl made of ice and snow

Soon the sun started to shine brighter
and the days grew warmer and longer
The world around me buzzed with energy
greeting the sunshine with exited glows
They soaked up every bit of it
leaving nothing for me
I was still a girl made of ice and snow
and there was no sun to melt me down
But yet my fate was not finished
I may be frozen but I still have my brain
Words flowed in and out
and I put them together beautifully
The only beautiful thing
that rose from the winter in my body
were the words I crafted so carefully
and stitched together with a piece of my soul

I hope my thoughts will never leave me
But what is pain if you have a way out?
My fate spoke to me in whispers
You're broken
too broken for beauty
I didn't want to listen
but fate always finds its way in

Little by little
I lost the release of words that held me together
The things that allowed me to speak
were taken away
They danced in my head yearning to be free
but there are no exits, no way out
I can't remember what it felt like to think
I can't remember what it felt like to feel
I wish I were beautiful again
like a vine that grows up and up
or frost that decorates the ground
I wish my body would thaw out

but little did I know

that spring would not return in a long time

little did I know

that there was a worse winter coming